VOLUME 15, ISSUE 16

You know when you go to a concert and they play their full set?  And then they leave the stage and crowd starts clapping and chanting and yelling for more?  Well, this is the opposite of that.  Here’s your Gazette 2016 wrap-up that nobody really asked for but you’re getting it anyway.

Hey, you know what was lousy?  Driving from Long Island to Jersey through a steady stream of driving snow at 5:45 in the morning.   The best of times.  All right, my moaning and groaning is over.

It’s all over in the Twin Cities.  Another wildly successful, highly rated and buzzed about season.  In the end, it came down to Chris Mitchell’s The Toxic Avenger taking on Greg Jorge’s FC Aquaman for all the marbles.  Jorge was 12-1 and cruised into the Championship.  He had been at the top all year.  A big favorite.  But THAT, as they say, is why they play the games.  And what happened, you ask?

In a massive upset, The Toxic Avenger prevails with a 119.68 to 114.46 victory over FC Aquaman.   A high scoring and exciting finish that lived up to its Championship pedigree.  It all came down to Monday night, and Chris had to be disgusted that he was forced to root for Ezekiel Elliott to win the title for him.  But win it he did.  We can all look forward to our 2017 league theme of favorite parts in a 1959 Triumph Bonneville or something.  What a victory though.  Congratulations to our 2016 Champion!

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

#WORSTYEAREVER!!!!

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Being the social media gadfly that the Poobah now is, I could not help but notice how many people were labeling 2016 as the worst year in history.  Oh, I’m not really sure I can get on board with that.  Did the Japanese bomb a military base and kill thousands?  Do we have bread lines?  Are our pets HEADS FALLING OFF?   No.  The Facebook crowd is just angry that their presidential candidate didn’t win and some celebrities died.  Oh my God, how can we go on now that David Bowie is gone?   Quick, name a song Bowie has recorded in the last 20 years……um, um. um.   Everyone is so quick to post some poignant picture of George Fucking Michael and declare that 2016 “can go get fucked”.  Followed up immediately by a picture of themselves out for fucking Thai food with their ugly friends.   “Worst Year Ever” could probably be said by someone who lives in Aleppo.  Maybe Carrie Fisher’s sister, who lost her sister and mother in successive days.  But for someone who is comfortable and sheltered in their little tri-state bubble?  Get fucking lost.   Is that harsh?  Probably.  I’m just kind of sick of people who everything so many great things in life complaining about shit.  But Poobah, you say, isn’t that your whole fucking shtick?  Moving on…

THE HOLIDAYS RULED

You always go into the holidays hoping they’ll be a good time with no drama.  And then you have the two week break that the Poobah family (well two for the parents, one for the kids) just had.  What a great time.  From gift exchanges featuring screaming preteen girls and a drumming Littlest Poobah at the house, to Christmas Eve and having Nanny Poobah over for dinner, to seeing family over Christmas Eve and Day, to the delighted looks on the faces of the little Poobahs and Mrs. Poobah upon opening some gifts, to having the Poobah niece and nephews over for a few days, to seeing an old high school friend, to hitting the movies a few times (spoiler for the movie “Sing”…..the animated animals wind up singing), to seeing the kids explore their new stuff, to bringing Harry on walks and excursions to the park, to karaoke on New Year’s Eve.  And all of this while eating and drinking at an atrocious rate.  I’m only a brick or two shy of 500 pounds right now.  And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  A great time was had by all.  Truly the most wonderful time of the year.  Only 353 days until Christmas.

POLITICAL SCUMBAGS

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Another week, another slimy move by politicians.    This week saw House Republicans, in their first act of the new 115th Congress, hold a surprise vote to dismantle the Office of Congressional Ethics.  So basically, let’s make America great again by getting rid of the only independent third party that holds Congress accountable for their usual disgraceful behavior.  And don’t get me wrong, it seems like there are issues with the OCE.  But it was such a fucking tone deaf to do as their first act, as they voted in secret, without any Democrats.  It was akin to Bill Murray stating at the end of “Kingpin” after he won a million dollars that “Big Ern is above the law.  I can do anything I want”.  Unbelievable.  Meanwhile, Andrew Cuomo continues to just be a general douche.  It seems as if Cuomo is now trying to strongarm his way as being in charge of the Port Authority, just like his Cowboys loving buddy in New Jersey did a few years back.   He’s announcing shit left and right.  “Hey let’s spend billions on LaGuardia Airport!   And a rail line that will never fucking work!”   “Hey let’s spend billions on JFK!”   All the while he tries to take money away form redoing the Port Authority Bus Terminal, which makes the cantina from “Star Wars” look like the goddamn Yale Club.  Then he swoops in to take credit for the Second Avenue Subway last week like he’s fucking Robin Hood giving transit projects to us.  And don’t forget….all this bullshit House Republicans just did this week?  Cuomo did the same fucking thing in New York a few years back.  What a dirtbag.  Meanwhile, Silver and Skelos are keeping the third seat in their cell warm for Andy.

QUICK HITS

I heard on the radio the other day that Macy’s had lousy sales and was closing over 100 stores, including the one in Douglaston.  Two thoughts I had immediately….I still was under the impression that the Douglaston store was still a Stern’s (I am old) and second, who the hell goes to Macy’s?  It’s like the sixth circle of hell there.  I can list thousands of things (including things like getting a dental cleaning, taking down Christmas lights and doing laundry) I’d rather do than go to a department store.  That is an all around terrible experience.  So take it easy, Macy’s.  At least you still have your parade on Thanksgiving.  Oh, and Sears is closing stores too, and they sold their Craftsman brand to Black & Decker.  With Amazon and online shopping, it’s not a shock that these places are drifting away.  Who wants to brave the chaos and nonsense of a department store when you can click a button on Amazon and have your item delivered to your door for free tomorrow?

So much chatter about the Giants players who were hanging out on a boat on Monday.  Is it weird to see a bunch of shirtless guys wearing jeans and Timberlands on a boat with Justin Bieber?  Well of course that’s weird to me.  I’m a white, happily married, 44 year old father of two.  Partying on a boat is not a priority to me.  These guys were on their day off.  Radio and newspaper guys asked questions like “hmmph….would the players of yesterday have done this?”   And the answer is YES!   Players having fun has been going on forever.  LT used to get high and hammered the night before games, let alone on his day off.  Max McGee was famously hungover for Super Bowl 1 and he won the game for the Packers.  Mickey Mantle was drunk for 40 years.  Babe Ruth was famous for his lifestyle.  Who gives a shit what these guys did?  Were they at practice Tuesday morning ready to go?  Yes?  Great, then.

Funny how everyone has their biases.  Julian Assange from Wikileaks was a hero to the left and a villain to the right in this country when he was helping to release information about our government a few years back.  What a brave man!   What an asshole!   Now that he released information damaging to Clinton that helped get Trump elected, he’s a hero the right and a villain to the left.  Again, funny how that works.  Where your facts and feelings about someone are shaped solely by your politics.

What is wrong with people?  You have a group of four black guys kidnapping and torturing a white guy with mental disabilities.  You have the white kid who shot up a black church meeting saying he has absolutely no remorse.  Man, is there some fucked up racial stuff going on in this country.  Sounds like we need to get these folks on a party boat with some Giants receivers to loosen them up.

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

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Marry Me – Drive-By Truckers

Stare It Cold – Black Crowes

As – Stevie Wonder

Midnight Rider – Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings

The Garden (Part III) – Tea Leaf Green

Joyful Sounds – The Word

First – Cold War Kids

In My Life – The Beatles

Homegrown – Zac Brown Band

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – AC/DC

 

WILD CARD WEEKEND PREVIEW

Raiders at Texans (Saturday at 4:35) – Holy cow, what a bag of shit this game is.  The Texans seem to win the AFC South all the time and always have a crappy Saturday afternoon game.  Look at this murder’s row of Texans postseason QB’s….Matt Schaub, T.J. Yates, Brian Hoyer and in 2016, Brock Osweiler.  Fun fact: in 2020, these four guys will all be parking cars at the Great Neck branch of Morton’s steakhouse.  But they do have a strong defense, even without Great White Hope JJ Watt.  And the Raiders are now on their third quarterback, Connor Cook, who let’s face it, is an unknown (and probably shitty) commodity.  Man, the Raiders were looking good until that Carr catastrophe.  They looked just terrible against the Broncos defense last week, and I would expect the same as they go to Houston tomorrow.  Lamar Miller can do enough on the ground for the Texans and the Houston D can make plays.  All in all though, an ugly game.  Texans 16, Raiders 6

Lions at Seahawks (Saturday at 8:15) – Another team that had it all going in the right direction was the Lions.  They were 9-4 heading into the Meadowlands.  And then it all fell apart.  They lost three in a row and were passed by the Packers.  Their reward is to head to play outdoors in Seattle on a Saturday night, where the Hawks are really, really tough to knock off.   But Seattle isn’t great this year.  Could they make a run?  Sure.  But something is off with them this year.  No matter though.  Stafford’s finger is still not fully healed, and they cannot win without him operating with all his digits well.  He’s not going to drop back 50 times and get away with it.  I also think Wilson will run a lot and frustrate the Lions defense.  Detroit will keep it close because they always do, but not enough to win.  Seahawks 27, Lions 17

Dolphins at Steelers (Sunday at 1:05) – Does anyone really think Matt Moore and the Dolphins are going to go to ten degree Pittsburgh and have a real chance?  Yeah, me neither.  The Steelers offense is overwhelming and Miami will have issues trying to limit all the weapons Pittsburgh has.  Jay Ajayi might have 45 carries in this game for Miami.  But as the Steelers keep scoring, that’ll become an issue for Miami.   I don’t see how they stop them.  Steelers 37, Dolphins 20

Giants at Packers (Sunday at 4:40) – And we arrive to the main event of the weekend.  The Packers are “on fire” and “unstoppable” and the NFC betting favorite.  They’ve won six in a row, over the Eagles, Texans, Seahawks, Bears, Vikings and Lions.  Not exactly murderer’s row, but Rodgers is at the height of his powers right now.  They seem to score 30 points every week.  But as we know, the Giants defense can be hellacious at times, and this secondary is no joke.  No Eddie Lacy also hurts the Pack here.  For the Giants, it’s a question of how many points can they score?  The offense has been so bad this year that it’s a pleasure to even be able to write about them being in the playoffs.  But they can run a bit lately.  Last game against the Pack, the Giants rolled out Darkwa and Rainey.  Paul Perkins has been productive and hopefully McAdoo sticks with him as the lead back.  Green Bay’s secondary is also very banged up, so who exactly will cover Beckham?  Hopefully Eli can get his ass in gear.  The Giants have won in Lambeau in January during their last two Super Bowl runs.  I’d love to say they will do it again, but I don’t see how they outscore Green Bay.  Dammit.  Packers 27, Giants…..

But wait.

You could say the Giants have something extra this week.  Something the Packers don’t have.  Someone looking down and looking out for them.  A guardian angel even.

unclepete

Goddamn right, Uncle Pete.  Look at that guy.  Is that the look of a guy who is passively working his way around heaven right now?   He’s wearing that Super Bowl 46 hat as we speak, driving in the breakdown lane and telling everyone up there that Aaron Rodgers is a banana and doesn’t have a shot.  And do you think his beloved Giants are going to not perform on Sunday?   Goddamn right they’ll perform.   Giants 23, Packers 20

Quick story….I brought Mrs. Poobah to a Giants game about 15 years ago or so.  We met up with Uncle Pete in the parking lot of the Byrne Arena, Izod Center, whatever it’s called.  Wearing the typical Uncle Pete Giants garb.  After meeting Mrs. Poobah, and after she went to talk to someone else in the group, Uncle Pete approached The Poobah.  He punched me in the arm, hard.  And he said “And she likes football too?   Jesus.   God bless you.”   And then I said “And I’m not even paying her!”   And Uncle Pete laughed his big Uncle Pete laugh.  I felt like a big shot because I made him crack up.  Although let’s face it, that was never a hard thing to do.  For as long as there is love and laughter and good times, Uncle Pete’s spirit is there.  A great man from a great family.  Our condolences to all the Damianis and to everybody, as the world is a lesser place without him.  He’s probably saying “wrap it up, you pineapple” right now, and so we do.

Love to all, VAMOS! And VIVA UNCLE PETE!

And the Gazette is out.

 

 

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 15

Happy Friday to all and greetings from the home office in Rockville Centre.  How about this weather yesterday and today?  It is friggin COLD.  As our old nanny Hilda so wisely used to put it “this is the type of cold that gets in your bones…gets cold in your vagina”.  Wise woman, Hilda is.   This is the cold where they lead the local news with something like “ARCTIC BLAST!” as they make Lou Young or Magee Hickey bundle up and report outside from a windswept area in Westchester or Long Island.  Well, let’s take a break from the cold and see who won last week and advanced in the playoffs.  To the recaps!

PLAYOFFS WEEK 1 RECAPS

Shazam                88.42

Apache Chief     60.48

indian-crying

Great job by my guys barely scratching 60 points.  Good job, good effort.  You’re bums.  Kelvin Benjamin, Amari Cooper, Jay Ajayi, all of you.  BOO

The Toxic Avenger     67.10

Batman                         40.22

Wow, what a stinker.  Mitchell had decent enough days from his running backs to secure a victory and advance to play Green Lantern in the semifinals.  Just 1.6 points from Kev’s three receivers in what was a pretty down week across the league.   Brutal.  So the Stack brothers will battle for fifth place this week in a “who gives a shit, our teams stick” game.

Brainiac          97.36

Huntress        56.10

Celo with the best score of the week in the league as he moves on in the consolation bracket.  Pretty consistent and spread out scoring for him.  Poor Huntress had so much promise early in the year, only to falter late.  Did she hire Tom Coughlin?

Captain Atom         62.40

Flash                          57.94

Another rough one.  Craig’s quarterback outscores Jose’s by 20 points, and yet he still loses this one.  Lots of stinkers abound in this matchup.  Jose will continue on in the consolation bracket, and Craig will play for 11th place.

 

THE POOABH SPEAKS

THE MARCH TO 8-8….IS OVER!

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Hot fucking damn!   Can you believe that?   The season was OVER.  The Poobah was proclaiming the Giants 8-8 on Sunday, December 4th.  They were done.  Goose cooked.  Good times finished.  Insert other witty pun of your choice here.  And you have the Cowboys coming in on a Sunday night.  It had all the markings of a nationally televised embarrassment.  Let’s just say optimism was not at an all time high.

And boy was this game a slog during the first half.  It was a dreary night, weather wise and football wise.  The Giants literally could do nothing with the football on offense.  Ereck Flowers couldn’t block any pass rusher that came his way.  I mean, really, look at this…

ereck-0

He doesn’t even lay a hand on that guy.  He takes a bad angle, he doesn’t move quickly, he doesn’t raise his fucking hands.  It’s almost impossible to be that bad on a play.  Stunning in its awfulness.  And the thing is, Flowers isn’t bad when he run blocks.  He’s so friggin big and strong, so once he’s moving forward, he can get people out of the way.  But pass protection?  ATROCIOUS.

But back to the game.  Even with all of this ineptness on offense, they were somehow only down a touchdown at halftime.  It may have felt like 28-0, but it was only 7-0.  They were holding the big, bad Cowboys, the cream of the league, to one touchdown on a broken coverage play.  That was it.  The Giants were right in the game.  I sat there and said to Mrs. Poobah, “If they could just do ANYTHING on offense”.   And then the Giants continued their trend of going for it on fourth and relatively short.  They converted and kicked a field goal.   Then Janoris Jenkins had an interception against the great (at least so I’ve heard) Dak Prescott.  Then Eli hits Odell Beckham with a four yard slant that becomes a 60+ yard touchdown.  All of a sudden, the Giants are winning 10-7.  (editor’s note….I cannot tell you how many times a week “Giants” is misspelled as “Ginats” within the Gazette.   It’s brutal.  The Poobah should take some typing lessons in the offseason).

And from there, the Giants defense stood tall.  Massively tall.  The Cowboys did not run one play in Giants territory in the second half.  Not once!  What a defensive effort.  Jenkins shut down Dez Bryant twice in two games this year.  Two catches for 24 yards over two games, with a fumble.  Absurd.  Vernon was a monster again, creating all kinds of problems for the vaunted Dallas offensive line.  Romeo Okwara stepped in for JPP and was immediately awesome.  I couldn’t believe how much he looked like he belonged out there right away.  Kennard played a very good game.  Here’s a telling stat.   Jason Witten normally averages (and my math might be a bit off here) about 35 catches for 400 yards a game against the Giants.  And he had 4 measly grabs for 28 unimportant yards.  That alone was a huge win for the defense.   And yes, Elliott was able to get his 100 yards, but it never really felt like he was controlling the game at all.  Just a tremendous day on defense against an offense people said couldn’t be stopped.

Can we talk once more about Eli?  What the fuck is going on with him?  Is he just done?  Is this it?  I am at a loss to explain what’s happened to him.  At first glance, it looks to The Poobah like Eli is making the same, terrible decisions he’s always made, but he doesn’t have the arm strength to get away with it any more.  I also think he has to be nursing some undisclosed injury.  He shies away from the slightest of contact.  When has Eli been known to do that?  He has taken so much punishment over the last decade, so it just seems off that now he chooses to overcompensate to protect himself.   The defense can play as great as they can, but if this is the new Eli, the Giants are going nowhere, and fast.

A delightful and unexpected outcome of the game was now all of a sudden you have a QB controversy in Big D.  This came on like a tornado warning in Oklahoma.  “Nice weather, little cloudy out, just a b……ah god, get in the shelter, the wind is coming!!!”  Seriously.  After Week 13, all the chatter was “Is Dak Prescott The MVP?” and “How Can Anybody Stop The Cowboys?”  And then in the matter of 60 minutes of game play, you have people openly wondering when Tony Romo will step in.  Holy shit, what the hell happened here?  Don’t get me wrong.  This is wonderful.  But just so sudden.  Old Saddleface Jerry Jones didn’t help matters at all, as he pretty much said something along the lines of if we make a quarterback change, you’ll know it.  Good Christ, can you imagine the Cowboys losing again this week, this time to the Bucs, and then Jerry dictating a move back to Romo?  A guy who perennially shits the bed late in the season?  It’s arousing.  I mean, it’s not going to happen, but still.  One thing I do know is that if both teams do wind up making it, Dallas wants no fucking part of the Giants in the playoffs.

This brings us to Sunday.  It’s a game, even six weeks ago that looked like ass.  The type of game Don Criqui and Beasley Reece would somehow be announcing.  A late season, Sunday at 1:00 stinker.  But both teams are 9-4 and suddenly this is probably the biggest game in the NFL this week.  All kinds of playoff implications for multiple teams come out of this game.  Both the Giants and Lions can easily miss the playoffs altogether.  Both the Giants and Lions are somehow still looking at the potential of home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs.  It’s crazy.  They’re mirror images.  Neither team impresses you at all.  At yet, they both continue to win games.  The lions have been trailing in the 4th quarter in 12 of their 13 games. Just an unbelievable stat.  That means that they don’t blow anybody out, and that they also pretty much always pull through at the end of the game.  The Giants defense has had several games where they’ve stopped the opposing offense to end the game.  Something has to give.  But what a match-up.  Stafford has a bad finger, but it seems like the weather shouldn’t be a factor.  57 degrees and maybe some rain.  A big, big game, to be sure.  A chance to get to 10-4 and really solidify their standing.  Maybe make the Cowboys sweat a little going into Sunday night.  A real make or break game.  A loss and they’re in real trouble and could actually be screwed despite starting 8-3.  A win and they’re likely playing in January.  Who knows?  But you can’t go wrong with meaningful football in mid December.  VAMOS!!!!

OUR PRESIDENT

trump11

Another solid week for Trump.  LOVE the pick of Rick Perry to join the cabinet.  I can’t believe they’re serious with this pick.  We all remember Rick Perry talking in that 2011 debate about the three government departments he would get rid of right?

It’s all good though.  Rick jumped back in like ten minutes later and blurted out “Energy!  That’s the third agency!”  And so my fellow Americans, there is our new leader of the Department of Energy.  Are you fucking joking with this shit?  Perry’s idea of Energy is “let’s dig up every acre of available land and find some goddamn OIL!”  Our top diplomat is the CEO of ExxonMobil.  Is there a pattern here?

We continue to hear about how the Russians meddled in the election.  It’s been met with a resounding “so what?”  and “when will the media just accept that Trump won?”   Could you imagine the shitstorm that would have occurred if Clinton won and these accusations came out?  I’m sure her detractors would be calm and rational about it.  But I can’t lie, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal either.

And everyone sits in horror as Syrians are being fucking murdered in the streets by their own government.  Hospitals are being bombed so that the injured have no where to go.  It’s the plot of every hilariously dystopian movie you’ve ever seen, except it’s real and it’s happening.  I was wondering if our President-elect had anything to say about it, being as he so loves to tweet.  So I looked.    And………yeah, nothing there.  Zero.  But Vanity Fair ran a bad review of the restaurant in Trump Tower this week!   Calling the Donald!   Calling the Donald!  National emergency!

Holy shit the guy’s skin is anorexic, it’s so thin.  Our Fucking President.  A man who can be baited into a spiteful response over a hamburger.  He really is a hobo’s idea of what a rich guy would be.  “If I became rich, I’d put up buildings with my name on it!  I’d have gold hair!”   It’s remarkable.  Buckle up.

RIPOFF?   OR JUST SMART ?

lebrontired

There was a big to do the other night when the defending NBA champ Cavaliers played in Memphis against the Grizzlies.  Their big three guys – Lebron, Love and Irving – did not make the trip to Memphis.  They were given the night off.  The Grizzlies won the game.  There are a lot of fans who were outraged, as they had paid good money (at least for a Grizzlies game) to see Lebron.  And then they got scrubs.  So I can see why they’d be angry about that.  But isn’t this just good asset management by Cleveland?  Lebron has been playing in the NBA for, what, 13-14 years or so?  If they want him at his best, does he really need to play 82 games?  It’s a tough thing.  People get tired, but that’s also not an excuse for not showing up at work every day.  Although I do know of someone who’s not in their office today….AHEM, Gazette staff….so there’s that.  In the end, I get that the guys need to rest, yet that really sucks if someone saved up money to see a good game and instead got a bunch of understudies.

QUICK HITS

Yahoo….sorry….YAHOO! had their servers hacked.  Or I think they got hacked a while back and just announced it now?  I’m not sure, but one billion….ONE BILLION accounts may have been exposed.  God, thank God the Twin Cities league isn’t on Yahoo and all its members don’t have accounts with them.  Wait…

What is this bullshit going on in North Carolina?  First the incumbent loses the election and refuses to concede.  And that’s fine.  But then the guy just throws out random accusations of voter fraud.  No proof, no substance behind it, just a sore loser (sounds familiar, right?).  But then, the Republican dominated legislature met this week in some emergency meeting, and agreed to ram through laws that totally neuter and reduce the power of the governorship before the Democratic winner can take office.  State Senate approval will be needed for any appointments, the number of employees that report to the governor would be reduced by 80%, and gives their party a bigger say on the Board of Elections.  For real.  I can’t believe that could happen.  What twats.

I love how Facebook has been chock full of nonsense for years, but now that Clinton lost the election, “fake news” is such a scandalous thing.  Oooh, let’s bring it up to Congress and let’s all pledge to stop this great scourge.  Let’s make Facebook scramble to correct this giant wrong that has been done.  The phoniest of baloneys.  YOU LOST.

The media desperately tried to create a “goalie controversy” with the Rangers after Antti Raanta (an oddly spelled name, to be sure) played four straight games while Henrik sat on the bench.  Vigneault gave Hank the start last night in Dallas after his brief sabbatical and Lundqvist was awesome, shutting out the Dallas Stars.  Nothing to see here, please disperse.

Pretty sad stuff this week with people dying right before the holidays.  Alan Thicke died and went out the way every Canadian dreams, after playing hockey with his son.  NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager died from cancer as well.  He was a bit of a goof and wore terrible clothes, and yet the outpouring from the NBA community was really touching.  Just reminds you to live life to the fullest.  Enjoy every sandwich.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry, as we’re about to enter 2017, do you have any resolutions for the new year?  Thanks!

Juno – Rockville Centre, NY

Juno, thanks for your note.  I think we both know my resolution.  We see each other as you’re behind that fence.  We both run around and get excited.  In 2017, I VOW to dig a hole under that fence and get in that yard with you.  OUR LOVE CANNOT BE DENIED!  (editor’ note….Harry and Juno are hilarious.  We walk by that house and the dog parades around and it drives Harry bananas).

Also, I resolve to drag The Poobah out for long walks in this cold weather, to eat every meal like I’m at the Coney Island Nathan’s on the Fourth of July, to grab any shoe that is left unattended on the floor for more than ten seconds, to fetch any ball that is thrown, to curl up to any member of the family that sits near me, to continue to shower the Poobah family with my undying love and affection.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  Hey Poobah, I’m laying down over here!  Get over here and scratch my belly you fat shit!

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

spotify

In My Life – The Beatles

Long Road To Ruin – Foo Fighters

Closed Mouth Don’t Get Fed – The Motet

Booth Love – Umphrey’s McGee

Happy – Pharrell Williams

In The Moment – Jim James

The Christmas Song – Nat King Cole

 

The Bells Of St. Mary’s – Andy Williams

Father Christmas – The Kinks

That Spirit Of Christmas – Ray Charles

White Christmas – Bing Crosby

You may ask yourself, who is this Umphrey’s McGee group that keeps playing on The Poobah’s Spotify?  They’re a “jam band” of sorts, but really good musicians, and they play a whole bunch of differing types of music.  To end 2016 on a high note musically, watch this.  If this doesn’t put a smile on your face, you don’t have a heart.

 

Which of course brings us to the end of another banner year in the Twin Cities.

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Look at this scene.  So many things wrong in this photo, as Mrs. Poobah and I tried to “pose” the kids for a Christmas card picture.  And this is what came out.  And this is one of the shots on the official Poobah Family Christmas Card.  And that’s life.  You can plan and try to make everything perfect.  But sometimes life throws you a “kids laying on the ground while the 100 pound hungry dog sits on the boy’s crotch”.  And let’s face it, THAT is what’s perfect.  That’s life.  It’s what you make of it.  Mrs. Poobah is going to take a chance in the new year and branch out and start her own business.  A risk?  Probably.  But you gotta live, everybody.  You gotta be happy.  And this will make her happy.  So she HAS to go for it.  I hope everyone in the Twin Cities grabs life by the short hairs and lives.  Be happy.  Live well and live life to the fullest.  Love to all and Merry Christmas.

No predictions.  Everyone’s a winner this week, dammit!  Maybe we’ll have a short Gazette next week, maybe not.  Who knows?  That’s life.  GAZETTE IS OUT.

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 14

Happy Friday and greetings from a blustery New Jersey.   Earlier this week there was actually snow on the ground out here as the staff pulled into the office parking lot.  SNOW?  Wow, there are still leaves blowing around for crying out loud.  And we might get some winter weather Sunday night into Monday.  Not fun for anyone who drives.  Especially a moron who drives from Long Island to New Jersey every day.  One more week in the office before the staff takes its annual holiday sabbatical.  So, you’ll get a Gazette next week, but Week 16 is up in the air.  Stay tuned.  But enough about us.  We are set for the postseason!  We have our championship and consolation brackets all good to go.  Who made it?  Who didn’t?  To the recaps!

WEEK 13 RECAPS

Apache Chief          108.94

Captain Atom          62.08

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Catwomen               78.54

Plastic Man             52.06

The year ends on a high note for the commish, who wins his last five games to finish at a respectable 6-7.  Golden Tate (who I dropped like an asshole a few weeks back) had a strong game in the win.  Mike finishes 1-12 and mercifually, his season is over.

Green Lantern        115.66

Flash                          82.56

Chris enters the playoffs rolling and he’ll be rewarded with a bye week.  Jordan Howard ran wild on the 49ers, as did Melvin Gordon for the Chargers.   Flash had just an average day from Tom Brady and as a result, finishes the year at a disappointing 6-7.

FC Aquaman      114.74

Superman           58.24

Just a beatdown administered by the Twin Cities’ top dog.  Johnson and Nelson with big days as their teams win.  Yet another rough week in what was a rough season for our defending champion, who finishes the year at 2-11.

The Toxic Avenger     101.30

Darkseid                       80.88

Carr, Elliott and McCoy with high scoring weeks, ensuring that Mitchell’s group enters the postseason on a high note.  Jimmy’s team had terrible timing in having a so-so day when he needed something bigger.  He just misses the playoffs and will play in the consolation bracket.

Brainiac          85.60

Shazam          69.36

Celo wins the grudge match against Dan, as he finishes the season at 5-8.  Devonta Freeman has the standout game for him.  Even with the loss, Dan still qualifies for the playoff bracket.

Batman          76.30

Huntress       37.36

In a fitting finish in his redemptive season, Kev’s team squeaks into the postseason as his opposition has just an awful day.  Batman fans don’t care, they’re just happy to have made the playoffs, where they have dreams of championships and inexplicable point outputs in their heads.

 

2016 TWIN CITIES PLAYOFFS BRACKET

And so we are set for the tournament to determine the 2016 Twin Cities winner.  Here are your participants:

FC Aquaman (12-1) is your top seed and will have a bye week this year.  He only has one blemish on his schedule (a loss to Apache Chief!   We have hope!).

Green Lantern (9-4) is the second seed and has the other bye week.  He enters the postseason in cruise control and awaits the winner of the 3 seed vs 6 seed.

The Toxic Avenger (9-4) finishes as the third seed.  He will go up this week against the sixth seed Batman (8-5) who dramatically made it in as he looks to make a run.

The other matchup this week will see the fourth seed Apache Chief (9-4) take on the fifth seeded Shazam (8-5), as they do battle to see who will go up against the Jorge juggernaut.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

THE MARCH TO 8-8 BEGINS

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What an offensive debacle on Sunday.  How apropos that the Giants played at Heinz Field, as their offense moved the ball slower than ketchup coming out of a bottle at a diner.  Just wretched.  It’s the worst case scenario The Poobah feared for this offense when they finally played a somewhat decent team.  The Steelers defense isn’t even that great.  But it’s certainly a step up from the dregs of the NFL the Giants were up against in previous weeks.   That bag of shit offense is excusable against the Browns and the Rams.  But once you play a team that’s at least competent?  What a goddamned mess.

Some games have one of those moments, where it seems like THAT was the play that shaped the rest of the game.  The Giants had played not so great, but were only down 5-0. They were at the tail end of a great, time consuming drive that brought us to the middle of the second quarter.  They had the ball inside the Pittsburgh 10 yard line with a second and short.    Even with the poor play, they were on the doorstep of going up 7-5.  And then THAT moment happened, as Larry Fucking Donnell jogged out onto the field.   Larry Donnell, who hadn’t played in about six weeks because he friggin stinks.  Larry Donnell, who couldn’t block a toddler.  When he comes in, the Giants are throwing to him.  That’s painfully obvious.  The play is snapped and I’ll give you one guess what happened.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.   OK, are you ready?

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I’m especially a big fan of the way Donnell just kind of flops about in the background as Timmons picks the ball off.

After 12 games, this is the Giants offense.  There’s no more waiting for the pieces to fall into place.  There’s no more “adjustments” they can make.  There’s no more hoping the line can block better.  No more thinking Eli will step it up and get better.  No more conversation about getting the running game going.  All of that is out the window.  This is the Giants offense.  It is not good.  We seem to be watching a good quarterback deteriorate before our eyes.  How bad has Eli been this year?  Don’t give me “his numbers are good”.  Stop it with that rationale.  He’s jittery, he gets rid of the ball too quickly, his arm strength seems to be sapped and his moxie is gone.  God dammit.

I am also at wit’s end with Ben McAdoo.   The Giants have run about 98% of their plays (no joke) with the 3 WR, 1 TE set up.  They run about four plays….the shotgun draw running play, the quick dumpoff to a WR, the quick dumpoff to a RB, and the seven yard slant.  And yet McAdoo carries around this fucking monstrosity to call plays…

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This sheet looks as if it’s harder to read than the menu of the Golden Reef Diner in Rockville Centre, which is 25 pages long and has no less than 3500 items within it.  What the hell is that thing?  He even has a post-it on one of the pages.  What could possibly be on that post-it note that’s not covered on that playsheet?  It has a three ring binder at the top.  HE CALLS FOUR PLAYS!   Holy crap.

But let’s look at the bigger picture.  And that’s not bright either.  In last week’s Gazette, The Poobah noted… Hard to believe that JPP has been this effective and this disruptive all while having a right hand that would make Luke Skywalker blush.  Let’s hope he keeps this up and that he has good conditioning this season.  Him and Vernon and played virtually every defensive down this year.  I worry that one or both of them will start to tire or break down.  That crack Giants medical staff has their work cut out for them.   One week later, JPP is officially done for the year with some sort of groin/sports hernia situation that makes me instinctively grab my crotch even as I typed those last few words.  A HUGE loss.  He missed the second half, and the Steelers ran for almost 100 yards in that half alone.  They controlled the clock and prevented the Giants from getting back in it.  A big reason that their defense has been good the last month and a half is that JPP and Vernon were playing the run and the pass so well.  And with JPP out, that creates just an enormous void in that line.  They really struggled against the run (as we noted before).  It’s a good thing the Giants aren’t playing a team with a strong running game and can get out to the edge this Sund…..oh.

Yes, they are still 8-4.  Yes, they are still in control of their own destiny to get into the playoffs.  Bit do you like their chances Sunday night?  Do you like their chances against a Lions team that always seems to pull wins out of their ass?  Do you like them against an Eagles team in Philly?  Do you like them in Washington?  I don’t know.  This has 8-8 written all over it.  Which, let’s be honest, is better than I could have hoped for before the season.  But let’s go here.  Win a few games.  Just get into the playoffs.  Let the chips fall where they may once you get there.  But just get there.  VAMOS!

THE NCAA JUST LOVES OHIO STATE

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A couple of years back, TCU and Baylor had very strong cases to make the College Football Playoff.  But Ohio State got the nod because “they were the Big Ten Champion”.   And don’t get me wrong, it wound up being a good call because the Buckeyes won the whole thing that year.  But TCU won their game that week and slid from number 3 in the rankings to number 6.  OK, whatever, championships matter.  I get it.  Fast forward to last week.  Penn State wins the Big Ten.  Penn State beat Ohio State earlier this year.  And Ohio State, which did not even make the Big Ten title game, makes the playoff.  Penn State stays home.  I am NOT here to make an argument for Penn State.  Screw that whole university.  But for the “committee” to say how much championships matter, and then two years later select Ohio State because of…..reasons….then how can anyone take them seriously.  Why even hold these conference championship games?  What’s the point?

I specifically remember the commish and The Poobah hashing this out in a bit of a drunken stupor back in the mid 1990’s.  We were out and were in the Lex/53rd St station waiting for the E train back to Queens.  “They need to have a playoff” I said.  The commish asked what should they do.  I said to take the conference champions and then a few wildcards to fill out a field of eight teams.  It was literally done at 2AM by two idiots.  And yet here we are still trying to figure out how to best have a playoff for college football twenty years later.  This is not hard, people.  On December 31st, we are all Clemson fans.

IT’S THE MOST RIDICULOUS TIME OF THE YEAR

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Ah, the holidays.  A time for gathering with family and friends.  A time for celebration and counting your blessings.  A time for yet another goddamned Lexus spot, whether it be on the television, on radio, on a billboard.  Ah yes.  Another shot of a well to do family sauntering out to their driveway and bathing in the splendor of a new car that no one but one person in the family knew about.  Who the hell buys a car without telling their spouse, by the way?  I picked up a couple of stocking stuffers for the kids the other night and told Mrs. Poobah.  Maybe I’m some sort of wuss.  You know, A MAN KNOWS WHAT CAR TO BUY AND HE NEEDS NO HELP!   All I know is the last time we bought a car, the four of us went.  Everyone’s going to have to sit and ride in that thing, they may as well see if they like it and feel good in it.  But that’s not my point.  My point is that there is so much nonsense to buy out there.  Anything, from a $85 Christmas tree waffle maker at Williams Sonoma to my favorite.  Just look at this:

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LOOK. AT. THIS.    This is not made up.  Nordstrom is selling a rock wrapped in a leather pouch for 85 DOLLARS.   For a fucking rock.  I assume that as whoever buys one of these goes to leave the store, they are told it’s a joke and then beaten to death with said rock.  At least I hope that’s an organic, free range rock.  If anyone is looking for that great, thoughtful gift at the last minute I have good news.  I’ll be bagging Harry’s shit in artisinal plastic bags for $10 a pop…or poop.   Good God.

OUR PRESIDENT

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Another strong week from our incoming commander in chief.   We had him talking to someone from Taiwan that was supposedly some breach in decades of diplomatic relations between the two countries.  Not that it’s a terrible thing.  But seems to be par for the course.  Then we see him pick some more folks for his cabinet.  Who better to oversee Housing and Urban Development then the borderline mentally incompetent Ben Carson, who could barely form a coherent sentence during the Republican debates?   Who better to oversee small business than Linda McMahon?  Yes, of the WWF McMahons.  A family that methodically killed all the small wrestling companies and territories in the 1980’s….the small business of wrestling….and then essentially became a monopoly?  Maybe they’ll hold Wrestlemania on the lawn of the White House next year.  Also, after all the talk about “pay to play” during the election, old Donald appoints McmAhon, who gave $7 million to his campaign.  DRAIN THE SWAMP!  Speaking of swamps, who better to lead the EPA than a guy who flat out denies climate change?  Really!   Like it’s not even a thing!  Who better to head Labor than the fast food executive millionaire CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr?  A guy who is against overtime, against a higher minimum wage, and against Obamacare because “people don’t have enough money to eat out anymore”?   Guy probably rooted for Potter in “It’s A Wonderful Life”.   Strong choices!

Trump has also shown to have the thinnest of skins over the course of his life.  I’m sure he’ll tone that down any day n…..oh wait.  The president of the steelworkers union had the temerity to say Trump didn’t tell the truth about how many jobs were saved in the “deal” he gave to Carrier last week.  He was promptly angrily tweeted at by Trump, saying how he’s such a bad union leader and how he should spend more time working and less time talking.  For real.  Then he went and tweeted about how awful of a show Saturday Night Live is, again.  How they’re biased and not funny.  Because he didn’t like the impersonation of him, you see.  They’re impersonating him as they have done with every single president before him since Gerald Ford.  But this guy apparently can’t take it.  Can’t wait until he tells the Prime Minister of Canada to suck his balls in a tweet by February 1st. U-S-A!  U-S-A!!!

QUICK HITS

Ever since The Poobah wrote about the Rangers it has been the kiss of death.  The rest of the league has figured out that you can clog up the neutral zone and nullify the speed and skill of their offense, while Vingeault the dunce hasn’t made one adjustment.  They continue to roll out Girardi and Klein every night, even though they’re both legitimately two of the worst 10 defensemen in the NHL, Nash got hurt, Buchnevich is still hurt, Zibanejad is still hurt, and Lundqvist has been good but not great.  As always, take it away, former Ranger Brandon Dubinsky!

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So I’m with Littlest Poobah on Wednesday, and he’s getting ready for the school day.  We’re about to leave, and I notice the nut has shorts on.  It’s like 35 degrees outside.  Any good parent worth their salt would march their child back up to their room and physically force them to put pants on.  Then I thought back to Sunday night.  I was walking Harry.  It was 38 degrees outside and I had on shorts.  It was invigorating.  It felt fantastic.  I am not normal.  Yada yada yada, the kid wore shorts to school.  Parenting fail, for certain.

On Monday night, St. John’s held a 50th anniversary reunion for their 1966 baseball team that was the university’s first entry into the College World Series.  They eventually finished in 4th place that year.  They were brought out onto the court in the second half as a tribute.  There’s a very handsome older gentleman near the middle of this picture.  Looks like a winner.  Just saying.

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I’m not sure what’s the crazier story.  That the Rolling Stones have put out another album in 2016, or that Mick Jagger just became a dad again at the age of 73.  Mick, Mick, we get it.  You’ve got satisfaction.  Jeez.

How wonderful and magnanimous of the NFL to let players wear cleats emblazoned with their charity or cause of choice last week.  Question…why doesn’t the NFL let players just do this every week?  Because then the NFL doesn’t get money out of it.  Sure, teams have to pink stuff for breast cancer and camouflage stuff around Veteran’s Day, but that’s because the league then auctions that shit away and makes money.  They don’t make a dime if Brandon Marshall has cleats that bring attention to mental illness.  Oh, sure, they’ll make a commercial out of that, but only because it makes the league look like they give a shit about anything other than making money, which is false.  What nonsense.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry, with the holiday season now in full gear, what’s your plan on gift giving?  Thanks!

Brandy – East Northport, NY

Thanks for your note Brandy.  Gifts, huh?  I think we all know what gifts I’ll leave for that fat bastard Poobah.  If he’s not sure what I’m talking about, tell him to go around the side of the house to collect his gifts.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I may smell reindeer pee on a tree.  I need to go over there and smell it for the next 15 minutes.

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

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When Love Comes To Town – U2

Born At The Right Time – Paul Simon

Shine – Mondo Cozmo

Nothing Else Matters – Metallica

Busy Thinking About Today – Phil Roy

Devil’s Teeth – Muddy Magnolias

A Conspiracy – Black Crowes

Someday At Christmas – Stevie Wonder

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year – Andy Williams

Please Come Home For Christmas – The Eagles

 

PLAYOFFS WEEK 1 AT A GLANCE

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While splitting some macaroni and cheese with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Shazam 94, Apache Chief 61 and Daddy’s hopes for a title run are crushed in spectacular fashion.

The Toxic Avenger 102, Batman 95 as Mitchell survives and advances.

In the consolation bracket, Brainiac 84, Huntress 69 as Celo suprises.

Flash 82, Captain Atom 74 in a bit of an upset for Craig.

 

LAST WEEK: 5-2

SEASON:       62-29

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 13

Happy Friday to everybody and greetings from central New Jersey.  Can’t lie, after Tuesday and Wednesday I never thought I would be dry again, let alone ever see the sun again.  So sunny and cool is OK with me today.  All right, this is it.  The final week of Twin Cities football before the postseason.  One last chance for teams to get into the dance as they say in the business.  To the recaps.

WEEK 12 RECAPS

Darkseid                       93.04

Apache Chief               68.96

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Catwomen        87.96

Flash                  86.24

Terranova wins a nailbiter thanks to a safety by the Chiefs defense.  Kirk Cousins also had a huge day in a Thanksgiving loss to Dallas…what a loser.  Catwomen have won four in a row while the Flash sees his playoff hopes dashed.

Green Lantern         140.52

Superman                 69.94

and

FC Aquaman            106.30

Captain Atom           75.54

and

The Toxic Avenger        122.86

Brainiac                            119.02

What offenses by the league’s three best squads!   Go get your fucking shineboxes, rest of the Twin Cities…

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Shazam        92.34

Batman        67.96

Mariota and Hyde lead the way for Shazam, who has essentially wrapped up a postseason berth with a record of 8-5.  Batman drops to 7-4 and will now need to win and get some help somewhere.

Huntress        68.00

Superman     49.84

So this game happened last week as well.  Jill wins and prolongs the plastic agony.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

ONE LAST GIMME

NFL: New York Giants at Cleveland Browns

The Giants were able to win their sixth….SIXTH!….straight game on Sunday against the dumpster fire that is the Cleveland Browns.   I can’t lie, The Poobah was hoping for a dominating performance against a team that hasn’t won a game since 2015.  Instead we had a scoreless tie until at least midway through the second quarter.  But whatever, right?  A win is a win, right?  It just seems like I keep saying that.  Which is good, because it means the Giants are piling up victories.  But it’s not so good, because they have muddled their way through the softest part of their schedule.

Jason Pierre-Paul was a wrecking crew all by himself.  Seven tackles, three sacks, a forced fumble and a fumble recovery returned for a touchdown?  Christ, that’s a good month for a player.  Hard to believe that JPP has been this effective and this disruptive all while having a right hand that would make Luke Skywalker blush.  Let’s hope he keeps this up and that he has good conditioning this season.  Him and Vernon and played virtually every defensive down this year.  I worry that one or both of them will start to tire or break down.  That crack Giants medical staff has their work cut out for them.

The offense was just good enough.  Nothing more, nothing less.  They didn’t get too much going all day.  The run game was totally uninspiring.  The pass game was “blah” except for a really nice catch and run by Beckham.  It was interesting seeing Beckham returning punts for the first time in a couple of years.  And not a moment too soon, as watching Bobby Rainey return punts is akin to watching a kid learning to ride a bike.  There will be a crash, you just don’t know when.  But Beckham looked great back there.  He had a 59 yard touchdown and a 27 yard return as well.  Oh wait.  Of course they were nullified by penalties because…..Giants special teams, of course.  But they didn’t target Shepard at all on Sunday.  Not once!  Huh?  Hopefully they can get a spark from a (hopefully) returning Shane Vereen, who allegedly may be back for next week’s game.  His presence certainly would open things up a bit.

But make no mistake, this was the last easy game the Giants will have.  The last five games have been against teams with a combined 14-40-1 record.  And although you beat the team that’s in front of you, are we supposed to drink the Kool-Aid after every uninspiring, skin of their teeth win?  Something tells me that what may have worked on defense against the shitbird Rams won’t work against the Steelers or Cowboys or Redskins or Lions.  Odell running with abandon may not happen against those clubs either.  But on the other hand, at least we get to see them have meaningful December games.

It’s time for the Giants to put on their big boy pants and have a seat at the grown up table.  No more cupcakes on the schedule.   No more Browns, no more Rams, no more Bengals, no more Ravens, no more Bears.  We move onto something much more challenging.  It starts late on Sunday in Pittsburgh against the Steelers.  There’s an offense that will certain test the limits of a Giants defense that has been really good lately, albeit against the garbage of the NFL.  Instead of Eddie Royal they get to try and cover Antonio Brown.  Instead of Isiah Crowell, they get to try and stop Leveon Bell.  Instead of trying to sack Case Keenum, they have to stop Ben Roethlisberger.  A different level of opposition.  The Giants are a six point underdog in this one.  Now the Steelers defense is not great this year, but then again, the Giants offense is not good this year.  But this is it.  After this there is a true measuring stick game next Sunday night at home against the Cowboys.  Followed by the resilient Lions, the pain the ass Eagles and the resurgent Redskins.  I HATE the rest of the schedule.  Just hate it.  Thank God they’re already at eight wins.  They will be hard pressed to get more as we move through December.  They’ll have to be better and we all have to hope they can rise to the occasion in these final five weeks.   VAMOS!!!!

OUR PRESIDENT

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More good stuff from our President elect this week.  During the campaign we heard constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY how “Hillary was a lapdog for Goldman Sachs” and “Hillary is controlled by Goldman Sachs”.  And I din’t think he was wrong.  She clearly was cozied up to Goldman, and that has to give anyone pause about how she’d act in office because she took so much money from them to give speeches and so on.  But then I look this week, and it seems as if everyone Our Great Leader is installing into big positions all come from or have close ties to fucking Goldman Sachs.  You can’t make it up.  Then after blustering that companies who move jobs out of the US will be punished, he oversees a deal where Indiana pays millions to Carrier in order to keep 1,000 jobs in that state, as the company continues its plan to move at least that many jobs to Mexico.  BIG WIN!  TREMENDOUS!  Again, I sincerely hope he does good things for the country, but yikes.

Is Rudy Giuliani, that fucking human dildo, really going to be Secretary of State.  A guy who yells and screams during a TV interview is going to be our top diplomat?  Who was his competition, Jim Harbaugh?  Mexico isn’t going to pay for a wall, Jim?

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Germany is still taking in lots of Syrian refugees, Jim?

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The Russians won’t return our calls, Jim?

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And that is still more palatable than Giuliani.  A guy who talks so tough on terrorism in public and yet has taken money from an Iranian group that has murdered US citizens.  And then he actively tried to get them taken off our Terror Watch List.  Fuck that asshole seven ways until Sunday.

Also, Trump’s Twitter game remains very strong.  Earlier in the week, for no apparent reason, he send out a missive saying that if an American burns the flag, they should either be thrown out of the country or spend a year in jail.  Hmmmm.   I mean, it’s a constitutionally protected right to do that.  That’s also been upheld by the Supreme Court, and one of the supporting voices came from Antonin Scalia, who was as far from liberal as humanly possible.  It’s not something I would ever do, and I find it silly and a little distasteful that anyone would do that, but whatever.  Looking forward to next week, when Trump tweets that anyone who doesn’t wear a “Make America Great Again” should be forced to build the wall on the Mexican border.  He also tweeted that he would have won the popular vote if their weren’t millions of illegal votes.  Huh?  U-S-A!!!   U-S-A!!!

QUICK HITS

Great job by the Mets in bringing back Yoenis Cespedes for the next four years.   His bat is probably the most important one the Mets have, and to lose him would’ve been tough.  And with the new CBA mandating another four or five off days during the season, Cespedes will have more time to patronize Douglaston, Clearview and Kissena golf courses!

Enjoyed an article this week about the college football powers that be getting all worried that Navy might actually be good and make a big bowl.  It apparently will “paralyze” the entire bowl system.  Can you think of a more deserving group to have something like this happen to than these dodo birds?  The entire college football “business”, where schools and networks make hundreds of millions off of unpaid college kids, is so goddamn unseemly.  I hope everything gets screwed.  God forbid the committee can’t figure out which two 5-7 teams should meet for the right to win the Farmersonly.com Bowl.

Hearty congratulations are in order for Jeff Fisher, who passed Tom Landry to become the second losingest coach in the history of professional football!   Currently at 4-7, if the Rams lose 3 of their last 5, Fisher will take his rightful place as number one on the all time list.  Quite an accomplishment.  Never forget this diatribe during this year’s preseason from a guy who has exactly 6 winning seasons in 22 years of coaching…

Attaboy, Jeff!   Onward!

Such a shame that entire area in Tennessee (Gatlinburg, I believe?) pretty much burned to the ground this week.   An entire community built in an area literally surrounded by old charred trees and forest, and is positioned in an area literally called The Great Smoky Mountains just went up in flames.  Go figure.  Really terrible news for lots of people down there though.  Especially so close to the holidays.

It seems that new Harry Potter play will be coming to Broadway in the spring of 2018.  Mrs. Poobah and the little Poobahs read the book (screenplay, dialogue…whatever I don’t know what it’s called…I’m an uncultured heathen….my idea of culture was taking Mrs. Poobah to see Pearl Jam earlier this year) and they said it was very good.  I will read it over the holiday break for sure.  And we’ll probably go see this, as long as prices aren’t ridiculous.  Just thinking though, JK Rowling’s story is amazing.  Single mom, living on the dole, typing the book on a typewriter because she didn’t have money for a computer, then having the story rejected by several publishing houses.  Now a billionaire.  Good for her.  An amazing success story.

The Cowboys continue to roll.  Another win last night.  They haven’t lost since Kickoff weekend to our heroes in blue.  The Vikings had a chance to tie the game with a two point conversion with a few seconds left, but Sam Bradford overthrew the receiver.   He was hit in the head by a Cowboys defender, but shockingly, SHOCKINGLY, nothing was called on the Cowboys.  The ref than went to Bradford and said the hit was legal and that he wasn’t hit in the head.   Really?  Really?

bradfordhit

Fucking Cowboys.  Makes you want to put a tin foil hat on for sure.  Meanwhile, Gronkowski is out for the season with another back issue for the Patriots.  But do really still see any AFC team beating them?  Does Derek Carr, Alex Smith or Trevor Siemian scare you in a big spot?  I didn’t think so.  Still, it will be more hosannahs for Tom Brady and how wonderful and amazing he is when the Pats march through the playoffs.  BOO.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry, my owner recently decided to liven things up and get another pet.  So now I’m forced to share the house with a cat.  A little grey cat.   And the cat is an asshole, as all cats are.  Any ideas on how to cope?  Thanks

Otis – Farmingdale, NY

Otis, thanks for your note.  That’s tough.  You’re used to being the center of the world and then suddenly, you’re not.  So it’s tough.  Especially when the other party is a bitch of a cat.  It’s a tough spot and apologies you have to go through this.  One suggestion I have to watch old “Tom & Jerry” episodes where Spike the dog is featured.  Do you remember how he would torment Tom and kick the shot out of him?  God, I get aroused just thinking about that.   That will at least get your spirits up.  You could also just eat the fucking cat.  Good luck!

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH SPOTIFY

spotify

SOS (Overboard) – Joseph

I’ll Be Around – The Spinners

All In The Family – The Revivalists

Nature- Madalia

Learning To Fly – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

All The Young Dudes – Mott the Hoople

Where The Devil Don’t Stay – Drive-By Truckers

She’s Waiting – Eric Clapton

Company Man – Jamestown Revival

Overjoyed – Stevie Wonder

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. FC Aquaman  lol-swimming-pool-o   The team to beat
  2. Green Lantern  13thaugusta  Rolling into playoffs
  3. The Toxic Avenger bolton  Same for the avengers
  4. Darkseid dsi_hdapproach    Looking to be the dark horse
  5. Shazam  slapchop  Solid team…a tough out
  6. Apache Chief   apu   Needs to do a rain dance
  7. Batman flrbbbb   Needs some help
  8. Huntress  huntress13    Brutal second half of the year
  9. Catwomen   catstomakewestendreturn  Great second half
  10. Flash   masters track & field athletes at the 2015 National Senior Games    Crusher of a loss
  11. Captain Atom  badsantaelf   Will beat our ass this week
  12. Brainiac   sandler    Disappointing season
  13. Superman  Senior man in superman's costume    Very meek title defense
  14. Plastic Man vandammetrucks   R.I.P. Plastic Man

 

WEEK 13 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some pasta and vegetables with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Daddy continues to limp home

Commish ends the season on a high note

Lanterns march on

As do the avengers

As does aquaman

Dan edges Celo in brotherly battle

Batman finishes the season and makes the playoffs

 

LAST WEEK:     5-2

SEASON:           57-27

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 12

Happy Wednesday and a very Happy Thanksgiving to all from the home office in Rockville Centre.  With the traffic scenarios that abound on Tuesday and Wednesday of Thanksgiving week, there was no way in hell the staff of the Gazette was going to trek into central New Jersey these last two days.  With Thanksgiving upon us and the beginning of the holiday season on our doorsteps, that must mean we are down to the final two weeks of the season here in the Twin Cities.  The time when we separate the men and women from the boys and girls.  A time to see who has the best team.  A time to see…..moving on.  To the recaps!

 

WEEK 11 RECAPS

Apache Chief      74.92

Brainiac                64.58

apachechief2

Catwomen           109.60

Superman             52.48

Who knew that Todd’s kyptonite was cats?  Cousins, Bell and Hilton pace the catwomen to another win.  It’s a shame they had such a crap start…they’re a good team.  They move to 4-7 and Superman drops to 2-9 in their title defense year.

Green Lantern           91.34

Captain Atom            81.68

A good bounce back week for the lanterns as Aaron Rodgers has a big Sunday night in a loss to the Redskins (BOO).  Russell Wilson did all he could by beating the Eagles (YAY) but not enough as the Atoms drop to 4-7.

FC Aquaman         99.40

Darkseid                 83.98

David Johnson continues to be a monster for the aquamen and they roll to their sixth straight win and clinch a playoff berth at 10-1.  Darkseid had a big day from the Steelers D but they drop to 6-5 and need big things in the next two weeks to keep hope alive.

Batman                           99.38

The Toxic Avenger      89.80

Eli and Jennings with good days and Batman is back in the hunt at 7-4.  Two good weeks in a row for Kev’s team.  Derek Carr could not bring the avengers all the way back, and they drop to 7-4.  Both teams are squarely in the playoff mix.

Shazam              84.30

Huntress           68.78

Dan stays pace with the other teams that moved to 7-4 with a win over Jill’s squad.  A crushing AJ Green injury puts Jill’s team out of their misery.  They drop to 4-7 and ninth place and unfortunately out of it.

Flash                 89.90

Plastic Man     71.08

Craig keeps hope alive in Week 11.  Tom Brady did Tom Brady things and helps Flash improve to 6-5.  Flash will need two wins here and maybe some help to make the playoffs.  The plastic men drop to a nearly obscene 1-10.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

ANOTHER SQUEAKER AND ANOTHER WIN

Chicago Bears v New York Giants

The Giants won their fifth straight game on Sunday, downing the Bears by the score of 22-16.  With that, they move to 7-3 and remain in a good spot, taking up the NFC’s first wildcard position.  The last time they won five in a row was during their Super Bowl season five years ago.  Just sayin’.  This demands just one question.

How in the world is this football team 7-3?

It was yet another entry into the Jesus Christ : The 2016 New York Football Giants  end of year wrapup video.  This was an awful football game to watch.  I sat there dumbfounded as the Bears moved the ball at will during the first half, and jumped out to a 16-6 lead that somehow felt more like 30-6.  But they clawed their way back into it.  McAdoo again showed confidence in his team by going for it on a couple of fourth down situations, and the Giants backed him up by converting and scoring points on both those drives.  The defense looked tremendous in the second half, not allowing a point to Chicago and finally sealing the deal when Landon Collins (of course) picks off Jay Cutler at the end of the game.

But really….how are they 7-3?  That implies they’re a good team.  Does the offense look like a professional offense?  Why do they insist on becoming the most bland, vanilla offense in the world the second they get a lead.  It’s tough to watch the run, run, incomplete pass, punt series constantly.  Although it has been nice that they’ve been able to run the ball somewhat effectively the last two weeks.  And does the defense seem so good just because they’re facing a 2-7 team that is minus their best receiver and that loses their tight end in the first half?   This five game streak has come against the Rams, Ravens, Eagles, Bengals and Bears.  Not exactly crushing the upper echelon of the NFL.  Is there a winning record amongst them?  Maybe there is, but let’s not kid ourselves and think the Giants are proving themselves against strong teams here.

I probably protest too much.  7-3 is 7-3.  You can’t control when the other team is doing and the guys they’re putting out there.  You play the team that’s in front of you.  And this week, that team is the Browns.  They’re 0-11.  If there was ever a chance to finally beat a team by more than a score, this would be it.  But after this week, we get a glimpse of reality.  We get to see the Giants go to Pittsburgh, host Dallas on a Sunday night, host the Lions, go to Philly on a Thursday night and finish the season in Washington.  Might they make a statement and win a few of those games and solidify a playoff berth?  Maybe.  Might they shit the bed and lose all five of those games and finish 8-8?  Maybe.  I have no idea what to make of this team.

One thing I do have an idea about is how good JPP is playing with that fucking monstrosity of a right hand.  He was all over the place on Sunday.  Tackling ballcarriers, getting sacks, batting balls down.  A great game from him.  And Olivier Vernon has been creating havoc everywhere.  His numbers don’t seem like they justify that comically large contract, but he has been a very important cog in the defense.  He gets doubled, he forces things to other parts of the field where other guys can make easy plays.  He’s been extremely good lately.  I may have been very wrong about him.  I hope I was wrong about him.  And Harrison and Hankins have really been stout against the run.  A great play on Sunday was Harrison running 20 yards down the field to make the tackle on a screen pass.  Gotta love the hustle.  The defense has been very solid.  I despise how every writer is compelled to call out that the Giants spent so much money on their “high priced” defense.  They had the fucking money, they’re not the 2002 Yankees or anything.  They’re operating under the same cap constraints as everyone else.  Just because they had money doesn’t mean they’re buying their way to a good defense.  That annoys me.

I get very worried reading about how the Giants are under the radar, or sneaking up on everyone, and how they may have a championship defense.  Let it breathe, everyone.  Let them handle a good team here and build momentum.  Let’s not fill these guys heads with delusions of championships just because they’ve (barely) beaten a few shitty teams recently.  Let them focus on the Browns, then the Steelers, and so on and so on.  They’re in a good spot right now, no question.  Let’s see if they can stay there for a few more weeks.   I’m just happy it’s Thanksgiving and instead of talking about which coaches should be fired, which guys should be dropped, which college kids they should draft…we’re talking about playoff scenarios and if they’re as good as their 7-3 record suggests.  Strange and interesting times.   VAMOS!

OUR PRESIDENT

trump11

Another great, huge week for Donald Trump.  Just the best week.  I’ve got a lot of people and they’re telling me it was a tremendous week for him.  It started with this thin skinned guy getting his ego bruised because Saturday Night Live had the gall to parody him, you know, like they’ve done with every president back to Gerald Ford.  But no, our commander in chief had to take to Twitter to lash back at a fucking comedy show.  Sad!  Then he gathered the media at Trump Tower to basically yell at them for being mean to him during the campaign.  Sad!  Then he walked back his promises on deporting everyone, on building a giant wall that Mexico will pay for, on locking Hillary up, on repealing all of Obamacare, on helping the working class by having a plan that will cut taxes mostly for the richest of the rich, on making banks accountable by saying he wants to deregulate the industry.  And that was just yesterday.  You get the feeling his base of supporters all look like Chris Christie right now…

christietrump

But good news, his base has now moved on to something else and are all too busy yelling at anti-Trump folks to notice anything.  WOOHOO!

I think the whole prosecuting Clinton thing is the most troubling.  Who the fuck is he to say who will get prosecuted?  That’s the job of the FBI and/or the Justice department.  The President has no say in that.  It’s now apparent that this guy was just playing people for fools during the campaign, as he has done in virtually everything he’s ever done in his life.  Make promises, like say, paying laborers, and then just go back on your word.  He appealed to the basest and worst emotions in people, blaming other races and groups of people for all of our problems.  And there was a group of folks who just ate that up and went to the election booth thinking Trump is going to magically bring back factories to towns and make everyone great.  He’s a con artist.  Everything he’s ever done has been done to benefit him.  And bringing his family into big meetings with other leaders just affirms this.  His daughter going on 60 Minutes with him and then trying to hock some shit jewelry on her website that she was wearing during the interview just affirms this.  Him saying he has no conflict of interest with his business holdings just reaffirms this.  It’s all about him.  He doesn’t give a frog’s fat ass about anyone else.  Never has, and never will.  USA!   USA!   USA!

THE ANNUAL RUNNING OF THE MORONS

crowds

Ah, Thanksgiving.  A time for gathering with family and friends.  A time to be thankful for everything life has given you.  A time….WAIT A SECOND….WALMART HAS BUY TWO GET ONE FREE ON ELECTRIC CAN OPENERS!!!    RUN!!!!!!

Black Friday is still a thing apparently.  The new thing this year is that some companies are out there are making such a big stink that they won’t open their doors on Thanksgiving Day.  What great places these are!   What courage they show!   Get the fuck out of here.  Hey in other news, I didn’t kill anyone today.  Let me take out a newspaper ad and tout that fact.   BOO.  Enjoy Thanksgiving.  That Under Armour sweatshirt will still be at Kohl’s next week.

TWIN CITIES SHAKEUP?

decree

Fifteen years is a long time to do anything.  As you know, we are now in our fifteenth year of a full Twin Cities football league.  And nothing has really changed in that time.  The commissioner, in his wisdom, wants to innovate a little bit before the Twin Cities league starts to get stale.  In an exclusive interview with the Gazette, the commish has several proposals on the table:

I think we need to go to some sort of flex spot.  It will add another dimension to drafting and weekly roster construction and lineup decision making. 

  1. Instead or 2 RB and 3 WR we go 2 RB-2WR-1 Flex (RB or WR)
  2. Or 1 RB, 2 WR, 1TE and 2 Flex spots where you can use any combination of RB/WR/TE. so technically you could start 1 RB per week.
  3. Half point PPR.Makes sense to me especially vs full point PPR
  4. Full point PPR. Again I prefer half point but I’ll put the full point on the table because we can do…
  5. Half point PPR for WR/RB and full point PPR for TE. It will put a little juice into that position and add some unique strategy at the draft and weekly with your lineups.
  6. Quarter point for hand-offs. Not a fan of this but think it’s worth discussing. 

We should continue with holding onto a player drafted after the 4th round. I think that is unique and gives a little Dynasty feel to our league. 

The Gazette has spoken to the Apache Chief ownership group, and they like numbers 1 and 3.  They are also in favor of shaking up the trade market and allowing trades where you can trade away picks in the next year’s draft in order to “go for it” during this season.   Like someone trading away a Julio Jones and getting back a first or second rounder in next year’s draft.  Just another thought.  What do you think?

Hey speaking of polls, here’s another one.

rogueone_onesheeta

Are you available on Saturday, December 17th?  Would you want to go see the big “Rogue One” movie at Merrick Cinemas, similar to what was done for Star Wars last year.  Vote yes or no NOW.

 

DEAR HARRY

img_6994

Dear Harry, with the weather making a turn towards the cold side this week, what is your favorite weather?

Bucky – Garden City, NY

Bucky, thanks for your question.  I’m a Labrador.  I am not a warm weather kind of animal. Outside of the fat man who walks me, I don’t think there’s any creature on God’s green earth that enjoys the cold more than me.  Sunday night, we were out walking around and I felt it.  I looked around and sure enough, there was some snow lightly falling.  Let me tell you, it looked like I had a Costco size tube of lipstick on my crotch.  I could not have been more excited.  I was prancing,  PRANCING!  It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year.  I cannot wait to frolic in the snow.  I cannot wait to drag the fat man on walks when the windchill is below freezing and he’s complaining about having to walk me.  Hey you fat shit, who should be bitching….the guy who’s a little cold or the dog that has a fucking chain around his neck tied to a leash?  Deal with it.  BRING ON THE CHILL!   And don’t forget to beg like a motherfucker tomorrow for all the Thanksgiving trimmings.  Enjoy!

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. 14stuffing Still the King
  2. 14turkey Dark meat rules.  RULES!
  3. 14mushrooms Just a great side dish
  4. sprouts And bacon makes everything better.  It’s science.
  5. 14carrots As does butter
  6. 14sweets Love the sweets…once a year
  7. Cauliflower Cheese 067 Will be the second time we’ve had cauliflower this week
  8. piggies Gluten free this year.  Gimme a hell yeah
  9. 14eggnog Nog season officially begins tomorrow at 6PM
  10. 14pie Perfect capper to the meal
  11. 14after8 Along with these
  12. 14nfl Three surprisingly good games tomorrow

 

WEEK 12 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some Maggie-made pumpkin cupcakes with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Daddy loses a shootout

Catwomen continue to rise

The lanterns keep winning

As does Aquaman

And the avengers

Batman by one over Shazam in the game of the week

Plastic Man with the shocker

 

LAST WEEK:   5-2

SEASON:         52-25

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 11

Happy Friday to all and greetings from a balmy New Jersey.  It’s inexplicably less than a week from Thanksgiving  (EDITOR’S NOTE: As a result, there will be a shortened Gazette next week.  Short week.  Short Gazette.  Sue us.).  We are coming down to the final three weeks of the Twin Cities season.  It’s nitty gritty time.  Three weeks left for teams to make a statement and make their way into the postseason.  How are the clubs doing?  To the recaps…

WEEK 10 RECAPS

Apache Chief          104.68

Batman                    102.20

apachechief2

Catwomen         120.28

Captain Atom    78.32

Seven guys in double digits as the catwomen roar for only the third time this season.  Leveon Bell was huge in particular.  The atoms saw a monstrous day from Russell Wilson but little supprt as they drop to 4-7.

Darkseid                 99.54

Green Lantern       93.64

A huge upset as the Green Lantern gravy train strops rolling for a week.  Antonio Brown and Cam Newton lived up to their high draft positions and helps Darkseid remain in the thick of things at 6-4.  Chris’ squad also is now 6-4 and these are both very dangerous teams.

FC Aquaman              113.52

Brainiac                       61.46

Another victory for the aquamen, who are now triumphantly strutting into the postseason as the top team in the Twin Cities.  A down day for Brainiac who drops to 4-6 and sees their playoff chances slipping away.

The Toxic Avenger       126.84

Huntress                         66.76

Mitchell’s team continues to rack up huge points and get himself into great position to try and win the Twin Cities Memorial Oaken Cup.  He’s now 7-3 and in second place.  Jill is left to try and pick up the pieces here and wonder how her team can possibly be 4-6.  Very confusing.

Shazam              89.40

Plastic Man       84.22

Marcus Mariota is turning into the fantasy force for Dan’s squad as they move to 6-4. Ryan Mathews of the Eagles also stood out (BOO).  Mike had a really rough day from two guys and it kept him from escaping the Twin Cities basement.

Flash                 66.44

Superman        58.30

So….this was a game that was played in the Twin Cities last week as well.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

OH MY GOD THEY WIN AGAIN!

sheperdtd

Do my eyes deceive me?  Did the Giants just win another close game?  Are they now 6-3?  Did they actually make huge third down stops in the fourth quarter?  And a few key sacks?  Did they really run the ball and pick up two first downs, allowing Eli to actually kneel and end the game?  The answer to all those questions is, shockingly, yes.   WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?

Yes, the Giants did all of these things and more and won their fourth straight game.  With it being a tense one point win, add this to the Jesus Christ: The 2016 New York Football Giants video.  Did you know that they haven’t won a game by more than one score in over a full calendar year?  The very definition of living on the edge.  A few plays here and there and they are 0-9.   But they are not 0-9, they are six and friggin three.

I’m hoping what we saw at the beginning of the fourth quarter was a jumping off point for the 2016 Giants.  They were down 20-14 and were facing a fourth and goal at the three yard line.  Without hesitation, McAdoo sends in a play to go for it, and Eli promptly finds Shepard for the go-ahead touchdown.  You like to think that a call like that emboldens the offense and gets them to believe in both the coach and themselves.  It always helps when you convert, but you have to like the guts to do that at that point in time.  I like to think it even fires the defense up too.   That had all the makings of a close game that they would find a way to lose and that play puts them over the top and they never caved after that.

And a word about that defense.  There were a few times in that game where it looked like we were on the road to disappointment.  Especially at 7-7 midway through the second and Eli throwing a terrible pick to set the Bengals up first and goal.  And the defense stayed its ground.  Then at 17-14 the Bengals were on the move again.  But the Giants held again and instead of a 10 point lead, the Giants were still within a touchdown.  They were tremendous on third down the entire game.  I think Cincinnati was something like 2/11 on third down.  A solid job there.  The defense continues to be really tough to run on.  They’ve bottled up nearly every opponent on the ground.  And Landon Collins continues to look like a goddamn monster out there.  He leads the team in tackles, in sacks and in interceptions.  Not sure what else more the guy can do.   Speaking of tackles, did anyone else think that Vontaze Burfict was going to kill someone on the field last night?  Holy god, he would hit guys and it would look like they got t-boned by a bus in an intersection.    But the point is that the Giants look more comfortable on defense.  Spags appears to trust the guys a little more and now blitzes with abandon.  You have to hope they continue to feed off of this and get to the quarterback once in a while.  Also hope you continue to see those gang tackles, where like four guys meet at the ball carrier.  I love that.  Shows you that guys are all over the place.

I was also unsettled in a good way by the way the Giants finished the game.  It’s no secret they have the worst rushing game in professional football.  Yet when they got the ball back with three minutes or so to go, they ran the ball effectively and picked up two first downs and put the game away.  Jennings got the ball and he had huge holes to just run through.  I was flabbergasted.  When was the last time a game ended with Eli taking a knee?  I always seem to recall standing there with a grimace while yelling at the television “make one more stop!” at the end of games.  Nice to see them put it away like that.

But let’s tap the brakes on the euphoria.  There are articles now talking about the Giants making noise in the playoffs and can they make a run and other things.  Relax, everyone.  This is a team that is still being outscored this season.  This is a team that desperately needs a tight end.  I hope Adams is something, but let’s face it….a golden retriever is as good as Will Tye right now.  This is a team that is still completely incapable of completing a fucking screen pass.   Also, seeing a guy wearing number 82 and dropping balls last night made me shudder in remembering the Reuben Randle Era.  Special teams coverage still blows.  This is a team that still has all kinds of issues.  Having said that, there are two winnable games over the next two weeks.  The 2-7 Bears followed by at the winless Browns.  Let’s be honest, a Coughin coached team would usually drop one of these two games.  But an 8-3 record is somehow staring the Giants in the face.  The opportunity is there to continue to solidify their position and get used to winning.   Let’s hope they don’t screw this up.  Who knows what the next few weeks will bring but VAMOS!

CLOWNS TO THE LEFT OF ME, JOKERS TO THE RIGHT

dopeyprotestors

Ever since the election, there has been just a nonstop barrage of whining, gloating and just plain intolerance for other people’s viewpoints.  It’s so tiresome.  And yet here I am talking about it.  I know.

Can these morons who are protesting Trump’s election relax?  Isn’t this why we have elections?  To decide who is friggin elected?  Trump won, everyone.  Go home.  Stop whining about the Electoral College and that your candidate got more votes.  This is our system.  It’s worked well for over 200 years.  And no, just because someone voted for Trump doesn’t make them racist or sexist or something else-ist.  The whole thing just reeks of douchey white people in their 20’s clogging up streets because they didn’t get their way.  I get that they’re upset, but maybe they should go and work for a cause or candidate that they believe in rather than walk around Fifth Avenue holding a “Trump Sucks” sign.  Nothing good comes out of that.

On the other hand, here was our President-Elect the night of the 2012 election…

trumptweets

The best part of that might be the fact that Romney did not more of the popular vote, so as always, Trump is dealing in bullshit.  And it’s funny that his supporters were all “RIGGED!” and  “don’t accept the result of the election”, and yet now they’re telling everyone to grow up and accept the results.  Interesting how that works.

But in all seriousness, after being, shall we say….demonized, villified, blamed for every goddamn problem in this country…I can see and I can understand why certain groups of people might be a little nervous right now.  Not that anything really bad is going to happen to them, but I can totally get the unease they’re feeling.  Thank God I’m white.

One thing that humors me a little bit is the backtracking and panic you see in entertainers.  Stephen Colbert pretty much had a breakdown on live television as he learned the results last Tuesday night.  People on the “Daily Show” and others have had a funereal atmosphere.  Saturday Night Live tried to have this profound thing where the actress who plays Hillary Clinton sang a song at a piano to open the show.  And that doesn’t come off as poignant, it comes off as hilarious and pathetic.  Their tears must be just delicious to Trump supporters.

Get it together America.  The results are the results.  Press on.

RANGERS HOCKEY!

bladesofsteel

What an opening to the season by the Rangers.  Without question this is the most exciting Rangers team in decades.  Coming out of the Tom Renney and John Tortorella eras of all defense all the time and just plain boring hockey, this is crazy.   The Rangers scored five goals in a game eight times last season.  The whole season….82 games worth.  This year they have scored five goals in a game nine times….and they’ve only played 17 games.  It’s insane.

They still have a myriad of issues.  They are losing a lot of guys to injuries here lately.  They are shooting at an unsustainably high percentage.  Their defense is still in fucking shambles after McDonagh.  I mean, if I have to see Girardi doing a snow angel while unsuccessfully trying to break up an opposing rush I might through a brick at my TV.  But for now?  For seventeen games?  This is a Rangers team with which I am very unfamiliar.  It’s just thrilling to see your team score almost at will.  VAMOS!

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry,

Hope all is well.  What’s your favorite treat and why?  Just curious. Thanks!

Rufus – Point Lookout, NY

Rufus, is this a real question?   The answer is YES.   YES!

QUICK HITS

Just a shocker that Facebook is a little sketchy.  Lots of stories this week about how Facebook doesn’t accurately measure ads on the site.  Results are skewed and incorrect.  At the same time, there’s controversy over the “fake news” that’s on the site.  Now the Facebook people come out and try to save face (and money…always about the money) and say that reports are overexaggerated.  But does it surprise anyone that shit like this goes on there?

Tomorrow night is fight night.  Sergey Kovalev will face Andre Ward for the unified light heavyweight championship.  These are two of the four or five best fighters in the world and on paper is the Fight Of The Year.  Both men have over 30 wins and neither has ever lost.  Something’s gotta give.  Ward is slick and has had success everywhere he’s fought.  Kovalev as well, but he also hits like a truck.  Even if you’ve never heard of either of these guys, it should be a tremendous battle.

The Yankees continue to shed salary and get more prospects.  Yesterday they got rid of Brian McCann.  And Thank God.  I couldn’t stand him.  Productive though.  But it’s nice to see the Yankees coming to their senses and trying to build their club the right way.  As they’ve found over the last 15 years or so you can’t just buy titles.  Can’t lie though, would love to be a fly on the wall when Hank Steinbrenner heard about these moves.

What the hell was with this so called “supermoon” last week?  They way I heard about it, with the moon being closer to Earth than it has been in 50 years, it was ridiculous.  “LOOK IN THE SKY AND BEHOLD THE POWER OF THIS FULLY OPERATIONAL SUPERMOON!!!!”   I looked up in the sky.  It was a fucking full moon.  Big deal.

POWER RANKINGS

  1. FC Aquaman (9-1)   aquaman11  Great form in yet another win
  2. The Toxic Avenger (7-3) bolton    Rolling towards the playoffs
  3. Apache Chief (7-3)  mazola  More hits than misses lately
  4. Green Lantern (6-4) mrgreenjeans   A momentary setback last week
  5. Darkseid (6-4) snoke-star-wars Lurking
  6. Shazam (6-4) 2552231-gazelle   In a good spot
  7. Batman (6-4)  zamm Someone needs to send them a signal
  8. Huntress (4-6)  tumblr_inline_mwcqehejyt1s8g9qk   Get an APB out for this team
  9. Flash (5-5) flash11  A much needed win last week
  10. Captain Atom (4-6) mini-me  First loss in a while
  11. Catwomen (3-7)  crazy-cat-lady-stereotype1  Too little too late
  12. Brainiac (4-6)  bill  Another tough defeat
  13. Superman (2-8)  superman11   Not exactly men of steel
  14. Plastic Man (1-9)  vandamme11  They’d rather split than keep playing

 

WEEK 11 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some meatloaf and mashed potatoes with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Daddy should win by 30, yet loses by 15

Catwomen continue to claw up the standings

Green Lantern recovers nicely

Aquaman by one over Darkseid

Avengers keep rolling

Shazam stuns Huntress

Flash outlasts Plastic Man

 

LAST WEEK:   5-2

SEASON:         47-23

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 10

Happy Friday to all and greetings from a mild New Jersey.  We are getting down to the homestretch here in the Twin Cities.  Four weeks remain for the playoff picture to shake itself out and determine those six teams that will vie for the Twin Cities Memorial Annual Victory Trophy Cup presented by Ford.  So what happened in Week 9?  Who’s getting closer to a playoff berth?  Who’s getting closer to not making it?  To  the recaps!

WEEK 9 RECAPS

Apache Chief      98.96

Huntress              70.84

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Catwomen        86.52

Darkseid            64.30

Not a great day for either team, but the commish has good enough days from Bradford and Tate to pull through and get his second win.  Does he have enough for a push?  Darkseid struggled all around and is now on the outside looking in.

Green Lantern        138.58

Brainiac                    24.00

Mercy, William.  Mercy.

FC Aquaman           100.52

Batman                    73.68

A battle of the top Twin Cities teams went to Jorge, who moves to 8-1.  Brees and Graham were exceptionally swarthy for the Spaniard.  Kev had a strong day from Eli (huzzah!) but little support, particularly from the receivers.

The Toxic Avenger       71.96

Shazam                           59.52

Outside of Elliott from the winners and Mariota from the losers, this was a pretty forgettable game.  What’s that?

Captain Atom       131.88

Flash                       88.90    

Jose’s team has played well since the name change.  His team had a massive day, even though one of his running backs was on a bye.  Mark Ingram did his best for the Flash, but they drop to 4-5.  Tough loss for them.

Superman          98.58

Plastic Man       66.06

Cellar dwellers meet and it is Superman who prevails.  Latavius Murray went crazy on Sunday night to carry Superman to their second win and Plastic Man starts three players on byes as they drop to DFL.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

MY GOD!   THEY BEAT THE EAGLES!

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It’s another game where we’ve all seen the sad script before.  The Giants start strong.  The Giants take a double digit lead into the fourth quarter.  The Giants throw a pass on third down inside the two minute warning.  Eli gets picked off.  FUCKING PICKED OFF with a minute and half to go in their own territory.  I mean, how in the world does that happen?  Even if his pass doesn’t get tipped, do you think forcing it to Will Tye there is going to win you the game?  Awful.

But then a funny thing happened.  The Giants actually stopped the Eagles and won the game.  I repeat, the Giants actually stopped the Eagles and won the game.  And for the first time on over three years, we feel the sweet, sweet release of victory over the Eagles.    Similar to a lot of games from this year, I pulled one of these with a few minutes to go…

jerry

I left to go walk the dog.  Did not need the agita, regardless of whether they won or lost. Bad fan, chapter 100.  The game was also another entry to the Jesus Fucking Christ : The 2016 New York Football Giants video.  When was the last time they won a game and you felt comfortable as a fan?  I can’t even remember at this point.

The defense was OK.  I see a lot of people falling over themselves to pat the Giants on the back for a great job defensively, but was it great?  They gave up 450 yards of offense, some inexcusably big returns and 23 points while the Eagles left anywhere from 6 to 13 points out on the field.  Why are we going nuts here?  They made some key fourth down stops, three of them to be exact, and that was great.  But how much of that was great defensive play and how much of that was just some mind boggling bad playcalling from Philly?  I know, who cares?  A win is a win.

The offense was good.  Eli threw four touchdowns and generally didn’t kill the Giants with anything stupid.  Oh wait, almost forgot about that interception as the game wound down.  Brutal.  And the running game is officially a train wreck at this point.  22 carries on Sunday for a grand total of 62 yards.   Less than three yards a carry yet again.  They’re a one dimensional offense right now and that one dimension is not even good.  It’s scary.

So did the Giants show me anything on Sunday?  I mean, I guess?  Anytime you can actually beat the Eagles, that’s a great day.   But man, do they just not look like a really good football team.  They don’t seem to do one thing really well, and yet have several things that they really don’t do well.   But.   But they’re now 5-3 and somehow if the season ended today (it doesn’t) they would be in the first wildcard position.  For real.  Anyway, they have the Bengals coming up on Monday night.  Then the Bears and Browns.  They can win some games here if they can just string together some halfway decent performances.  Do I have faith that they will?  Of course not.  But 5-3 is 5-3.  A playoff spot is a playoff spot.  VAMOS!

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK

trumporange

Well how about that?  The host of The Apprentice is going to be the president.  YIKES.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from this election it’s never underestimate the average white person who thinks that something is going to be taken from them.  Their JOBS!     Their GUNS!   Their POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS!  Their FREEDOMS!  They hear from Trump that everything is rigged, that everyone is against them, that America sucks and it should be made great again.  Personally I still don’t know what that means…when has America not been great?  But whatever.  There was a message and it resonated with people that swept him into office.

Also, is Hillary Clinton the worst political candidate and campaigner in the history of this country?  I don’t mean that like she sucks….she would’ve been a fine President.  But in terms of electability, she’s the worst.  Who has she ever beaten in an election of any kind?  Rick Lazio.  Rick Lazio couldn’t get elected as milkman in Littlest Poobah’s school.  Guy is a fucking dunce.  But look at it….she was expected to waltz to victory in 2008.  She couldn’t even beat a really junior senator (and a black guy, no less) with two years of experience and get out of the primary.  She got trounced and had to go and lick her wounds.  She becomes Secretary of State for while.  Then she’s expected to waltz to victory in 2016.  She’s up against Donald Trump, for the love of God.  It’s in the bag.  And she loses.  And I mean, she really loses.  It’s almost unfathomable that she’ll never be president.  She had all the money, all the backing of the establishment, everything.  And she still got hammered.   She is just disliked by so many people.  And has been disliked for over two decades.  Is some of that because she’s a woman?  Sure, there’s always some of that for any woman who runs for office, from Clinton to Sarah Palin.  But a lot of people just think she’s a borderline criminal, and there are concrete reasons to back that up.  She is so, so unlikable.

And that is really the story of this election.  It’s not like there was some “mandate” for Trump.  He lost the popular vote….he wasn’t the choice of a majority of Americans.  Neither was there some historic populist turnout on Tuesday.  Less people voted for Trump than for Romney or McCain.  This was a case of people not being enthused about Clinton.  Millions and millions of Democrats stayed home on Tuesday versus 2008 and 2012.   Her message didn’t resonate.  She didn’t get people excited about her vision.  She had no “ground game”.  She just expected to win.  Polling of the usual suspects told her a story that she had this in the bag.  WRONG.

I do think that there are a lot of people who are delusional.  Seeing a lot of “I’m ashamed to be an American today” and “Hate and bigotry were the winners” on Facebook.  Hillary didn’t even speak on Tuesday night after she lost.  Show some fucking guts and speak to your supporters.  This is a big fucking problem with this country.  Anyone who disagrees with you is automatically branded a racist or something else.  Is there a bit of an atmosphere that “Make America Great Again” kind of means “Make America White Again”?  Of course there is.  But there are lots of people who just felt Trump was a better choice.  That’s the beauty of our electoral system.  We get a say.  And to dismiss a dissenting opinion from yours as just “hate” or “bigotry” is just pathetic.  Stop complaining that we should destroy the electoral college just because your candidate lost.  You LOST.  You want to make an impact on the government?  You want to change the country?  Then go out and fucking do something about it.  Support candidates and people in government and the causes you like with your time and money and energy.  Do something.  On Wednesday morning, The Poobah went and donated $100 to Planned Parenthood.  They do great work for women’s health and I fear that they’ll be in trouble because the men in charge feel there should be less government everywhere, with the exception of inside a woman’s vagina.  I fear that they’ll defund them, which would be a shame.  So I gave them some money.  Also, maybe vote in a goddamn midterm election for once.  Do SOMETHING.  Don’t just show up every four years and take a picture of yourself with your dopey little “I Voted” sticker and post it on Facebook and think you deserve a fucking cookie.  DO SOMETHING.

I will tell you one thing.  To play this as “a vote against the establishment” is a bunch of bullshit.  If that was the case, why did almost every incumbent win?  Not all, but a gigantic majority at least.  If there was so much dissatisfaction, how does that happen?  Like I said, never underestimate scared white people.

I just hope that he winds up being open minded.  That he winds up being fair.  That he winds up being inclusive.  Those are three things we definitely haven’t seen yet from him.  I hope he doesn’t play this off like we voted down the 1990’s establishment politicians but then somehow brings Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani into his administration.  We need those fucking retread hacks like we need a hole in the head.  But a lot of people are just plain scared right now.  As I am, to a degree.  We’ve just elected a guy with no public service experience, no military experience to speak of (yet he says he knows more about ISIS than our own generals, makes fun of American POW’s and lectures the parents of a dead soldier about how to act), and who has an almost toxic relationship with the leaders of the party’s ticket.  A guy who has no details on policies other than they’ll be “big league” and “tremendous”.  A guy who in his national security briefing, actually asked “Why can’t we just use our nuclear weapons?”   Plus the last time a political party had control of all three branches of government and the governors mansions, we got Herbert Hoover and folks were literally starving and dying in the streets.  People have every right to be fucking terrified.  But it is what it is.  I think the prevailing feeling in America right now is “YAY!  HILLARY LOST!”   followed by a strong dose of “Oh Shit.  What Now?”  What now indeed.

You know what though?  If you had told anybody 20 years ago that the Cubs would win the World Series and Trump would be the president, you would have been scoffed at.  This year, you had a World Series champ come back from a 3-1 deficit.  You had an NBA champ come back from a 3-1 deficit.  You had a political candidate coming back from what you would call at least a 3-1 deficit.  Anything is possible.

Anything?   Hmmmm…

giantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongogiantsmongo

QUICK HITS

Nice to see the residents of a city not held hostage by their football team.  In San Diego, they’ve had trouble drawing fans forever.  And this is a team that has been competitive for the last 10-15 years, going back to the Marty Schottenheimer days.  So they always threaten to move unless the people of San Diego help fund a new stadium.  So they put it to a vote and the people essentially said “see ya” by an overwhelming margin.  And good.  Let the rich as shit owners build their own stadium on their own dime.  In this day and age we always hear about how people are getting free handouts and it’s ruining this country.  So there you go.  No free handouts for these bozos.  Make San Diego Great Again.

Another bang up job by NFL officials on Monday night.  Richard Sherman jumps offside before the end of the first half and Dan Carpenter winds up to kick and Sherman is falling to the ground.  Carpenter goes down for the count and only a 5 yard penalty is called.  No roughing the kicker, even though Sherman had plenty of time to stop running.  Then the Bills are forced to spike the ball quick because the trainer had to come out to tend to the banged up Carpenter.  Then the Bills get called for a delay of game penalty even though the ref still had the ball in his hand and hadn’t even placed it on the ground when the play clock was at 5.  Bills miss, Seahawks go on to a narrow win.  Holy shit.  Never forget Earl Thomas talking about how the Seahawks were the victim of an officiating conspiracy.

It’s also painfully obvious that the NFL product right now is GARBAGE.  You can talk about people not watching for a variety of reasons, but there is no denying the inferior quality of games that are on, particularly on Thursday nights.  Last night, the country had the option to watch the Cleveland Browns.  Viewers were then treated to the Browns putting 12 men on the field for the first play of the game and forced to take a timeout before a goddamn play had been run in the game.  Then you saw two Browns collide while both of them were trying to catch a Ravens punt.  They used three different quarterbacks in the game.  Shockingly, the Browns lost and fell to 0-9.  What do you think about your football team, owner Jimmy Haslam?

jimmy-halsman-laughing

While watching the tube a few weeks ago I saw a commercial for some drug called Kybella.  What does this drug do?  It’s an injection to help people get rid of a double chin.  THERE IS A DRUG TO HELP YOU GET RID OF A DOUBLE FUCKING CHIN.  Needs a Trump endorsement….”Kybella is going to give you the most luxurious chin you’ve ever seen.  I have people with great chins, the best chins, I mean really, look at these chins, and they all say that Kybella does just a terrific job with their double chins.  Your chin will never be better, believe me”

The Knicks are already in midseason form in early November.  Phil Jackson is bitching that they’re not using his precious triangle offense, Hornacek doesn’t seem to have much of an idea about anything and now Kurt Rambis is running the defense.  GO NEW YORK, GO NEW YORK, GO!

Mrs. Poobah reminded me that we moved into Fort Poobah exactly 10 years ago today.  A decade of happiness, a decade of cursing plaster and lathe walls, a decade of joy, a decade of mortgage payments.  We’ve also added another human and another animal to the house’s mix over the 10 years.  Crazy how time flies.  I would also be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to wish the missus a happy anniversary, which will be 14 years of wedded bliss next Wednesday.   Thank you for your love and friendship as always.  And thanks for putting up with the rantings of someone who is clearly a lunatic.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry,

What are your feelings about all these dogs in the tri-state area who are threatening to leave the country and go to Canada now that Trump has been elected?  Thanks for your reply.

Otis – Islip, NY

Thanks for your note, Otis.  You know I don’t see the big deal about this.  Unless you’re a chihuahua (and screw those ungrateful little shits anyway, barking at me like I’m some kind of asshole…GO PISS UP A ROPE) and you fear you’ll be sent back to Mexico, you’re in no danger.  Look at me, I’m black and I’m sticking around.  Let all those spineless mutts go to Canada and get eaten by a moose.   More Blue Buffalo food for me.  The point is, you can’t live your life in fear.  Get out there, go shit on the sidewalk, go dig up the neighbor’s flower bed, go get a belly rub from your owner.  Just live.

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

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On The Rise – Eric Krasno Band

Airliner – Jamestown Revival

Trip Through Your Wires – U2

Forgotten Years – Midnight Oil

Little Jeannie – Elton John

On the Move – The Record Company

Money – Pink Floyd

House Of The Rising Sun – The Animals

Get Lucky – Daft Punk

Penny Lane – The Beatles

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. FC Aquaman (8-1)  aquaman9 Every movement a picture
  2. Green Lantern (6-3) eddiegumby Sitting pretty
  3. The Toxic Avenger (6-3) bolton In a great spot
  4. Apache Chief (6-3) butter Smooth win in Week 9
  5. Shazam (5-4) oxiclean Still a great value
  6. Darkseid (5-4) commander Another tough loss
  7. Batman (6-3) serie_sock Reeling at this point
  8. Huntress (4-5) deedeebedcall Jill keeps getting bad news
  9. Flash (4-5) flashweek10 Beaten out last week
  10. Captain Atom (4-5) CS 65 Friday 22nd October 2010 Gaining in stature recently
  11. Brainiac (4-5) forrest-gump1__140605215604 Playoff chances might be melting
  12. Catwomen (2-7) catwomen10 Decent team, terrible record
  13. Superman (2-7) supermanglasses Finally gets a second win
  14. Plastic Man (1-8) vandammekitchen Looking towards next year

 

WEEK 10 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some chicken noodle soup with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Wow!  They pick Daddy over Uncle Kev

Commish gets his receivers in and upsets Captain Atom

Green Lantern keeps it rolling

As does FC Aquaman

Toxic Avenger wins a dogfight over Huntress

Plastic Man finally wins again

Flash with a victory

 

LAST WEEK:   6-1

SEASON:         42-21

 

 

 

 

 

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