Happy Friday to all and greetings from the home office in Rockville Centre. How about this weather yesterday and today? It is friggin COLD. As our old nanny Hilda so wisely used to put it “this is the type of cold that gets in your bones…gets cold in your vagina”. Wise woman, Hilda is. This is the cold where they lead the local news with something like “ARCTIC BLAST!” as they make Lou Young or Magee Hickey bundle up and report outside from a windswept area in Westchester or Long Island. Well, let’s take a break from the cold and see who won last week and advanced in the playoffs. To the recaps!
PLAYOFFS WEEK 1 RECAPS
Apache Chief 60.48
Great job by my guys barely scratching 60 points. Good job, good effort. You’re bums. Kelvin Benjamin, Amari Cooper, Jay Ajayi, all of you. BOO
The Toxic Avenger 67.10
Wow, what a stinker. Mitchell had decent enough days from his running backs to secure a victory and advance to play Green Lantern in the semifinals. Just 1.6 points from Kev’s three receivers in what was a pretty down week across the league. Brutal. So the Stack brothers will battle for fifth place this week in a “who gives a shit, our teams stick” game.
Celo with the best score of the week in the league as he moves on in the consolation bracket. Pretty consistent and spread out scoring for him. Poor Huntress had so much promise early in the year, only to falter late. Did she hire Tom Coughlin?
Captain Atom 62.40
Another rough one. Craig’s quarterback outscores Jose’s by 20 points, and yet he still loses this one. Lots of stinkers abound in this matchup. Jose will continue on in the consolation bracket, and Craig will play for 11th place.
THE POOABH SPEAKS
THE MARCH TO 8-8….IS OVER!
Hot fucking damn! Can you believe that? The season was OVER. The Poobah was proclaiming the Giants 8-8 on Sunday, December 4th. They were done. Goose cooked. Good times finished. Insert other witty pun of your choice here. And you have the Cowboys coming in on a Sunday night. It had all the markings of a nationally televised embarrassment. Let’s just say optimism was not at an all time high.
And boy was this game a slog during the first half. It was a dreary night, weather wise and football wise. The Giants literally could do nothing with the football on offense. Ereck Flowers couldn’t block any pass rusher that came his way. I mean, really, look at this…
He doesn’t even lay a hand on that guy. He takes a bad angle, he doesn’t move quickly, he doesn’t raise his fucking hands. It’s almost impossible to be that bad on a play. Stunning in its awfulness. And the thing is, Flowers isn’t bad when he run blocks. He’s so friggin big and strong, so once he’s moving forward, he can get people out of the way. But pass protection? ATROCIOUS.
But back to the game. Even with all of this ineptness on offense, they were somehow only down a touchdown at halftime. It may have felt like 28-0, but it was only 7-0. They were holding the big, bad Cowboys, the cream of the league, to one touchdown on a broken coverage play. That was it. The Giants were right in the game. I sat there and said to Mrs. Poobah, “If they could just do ANYTHING on offense”. And then the Giants continued their trend of going for it on fourth and relatively short. They converted and kicked a field goal. Then Janoris Jenkins had an interception against the great (at least so I’ve heard) Dak Prescott. Then Eli hits Odell Beckham with a four yard slant that becomes a 60+ yard touchdown. All of a sudden, the Giants are winning 10-7. (editor’s note….I cannot tell you how many times a week “Giants” is misspelled as “Ginats” within the Gazette. It’s brutal. The Poobah should take some typing lessons in the offseason).
And from there, the Giants defense stood tall. Massively tall. The Cowboys did not run one play in Giants territory in the second half. Not once! What a defensive effort. Jenkins shut down Dez Bryant twice in two games this year. Two catches for 24 yards over two games, with a fumble. Absurd. Vernon was a monster again, creating all kinds of problems for the vaunted Dallas offensive line. Romeo Okwara stepped in for JPP and was immediately awesome. I couldn’t believe how much he looked like he belonged out there right away. Kennard played a very good game. Here’s a telling stat. Jason Witten normally averages (and my math might be a bit off here) about 35 catches for 400 yards a game against the Giants. And he had 4 measly grabs for 28 unimportant yards. That alone was a huge win for the defense. And yes, Elliott was able to get his 100 yards, but it never really felt like he was controlling the game at all. Just a tremendous day on defense against an offense people said couldn’t be stopped.
Can we talk once more about Eli? What the fuck is going on with him? Is he just done? Is this it? I am at a loss to explain what’s happened to him. At first glance, it looks to The Poobah like Eli is making the same, terrible decisions he’s always made, but he doesn’t have the arm strength to get away with it any more. I also think he has to be nursing some undisclosed injury. He shies away from the slightest of contact. When has Eli been known to do that? He has taken so much punishment over the last decade, so it just seems off that now he chooses to overcompensate to protect himself. The defense can play as great as they can, but if this is the new Eli, the Giants are going nowhere, and fast.
A delightful and unexpected outcome of the game was now all of a sudden you have a QB controversy in Big D. This came on like a tornado warning in Oklahoma. “Nice weather, little cloudy out, just a b……ah god, get in the shelter, the wind is coming!!!” Seriously. After Week 13, all the chatter was “Is Dak Prescott The MVP?” and “How Can Anybody Stop The Cowboys?” And then in the matter of 60 minutes of game play, you have people openly wondering when Tony Romo will step in. Holy shit, what the hell happened here? Don’t get me wrong. This is wonderful. But just so sudden. Old Saddleface Jerry Jones didn’t help matters at all, as he pretty much said something along the lines of if we make a quarterback change, you’ll know it. Good Christ, can you imagine the Cowboys losing again this week, this time to the Bucs, and then Jerry dictating a move back to Romo? A guy who perennially shits the bed late in the season? It’s arousing. I mean, it’s not going to happen, but still. One thing I do know is that if both teams do wind up making it, Dallas wants no fucking part of the Giants in the playoffs.
This brings us to Sunday. It’s a game, even six weeks ago that looked like ass. The type of game Don Criqui and Beasley Reece would somehow be announcing. A late season, Sunday at 1:00 stinker. But both teams are 9-4 and suddenly this is probably the biggest game in the NFL this week. All kinds of playoff implications for multiple teams come out of this game. Both the Giants and Lions can easily miss the playoffs altogether. Both the Giants and Lions are somehow still looking at the potential of home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs. It’s crazy. They’re mirror images. Neither team impresses you at all. At yet, they both continue to win games. The lions have been trailing in the 4th quarter in 12 of their 13 games. Just an unbelievable stat. That means that they don’t blow anybody out, and that they also pretty much always pull through at the end of the game. The Giants defense has had several games where they’ve stopped the opposing offense to end the game. Something has to give. But what a match-up. Stafford has a bad finger, but it seems like the weather shouldn’t be a factor. 57 degrees and maybe some rain. A big, big game, to be sure. A chance to get to 10-4 and really solidify their standing. Maybe make the Cowboys sweat a little going into Sunday night. A real make or break game. A loss and they’re in real trouble and could actually be screwed despite starting 8-3. A win and they’re likely playing in January. Who knows? But you can’t go wrong with meaningful football in mid December. VAMOS!!!!
Another solid week for Trump. LOVE the pick of Rick Perry to join the cabinet. I can’t believe they’re serious with this pick. We all remember Rick Perry talking in that 2011 debate about the three government departments he would get rid of right?
It’s all good though. Rick jumped back in like ten minutes later and blurted out “Energy! That’s the third agency!” And so my fellow Americans, there is our new leader of the Department of Energy. Are you fucking joking with this shit? Perry’s idea of Energy is “let’s dig up every acre of available land and find some goddamn OIL!” Our top diplomat is the CEO of ExxonMobil. Is there a pattern here?
We continue to hear about how the Russians meddled in the election. It’s been met with a resounding “so what?” and “when will the media just accept that Trump won?” Could you imagine the shitstorm that would have occurred if Clinton won and these accusations came out? I’m sure her detractors would be calm and rational about it. But I can’t lie, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal either.
And everyone sits in horror as Syrians are being fucking murdered in the streets by their own government. Hospitals are being bombed so that the injured have no where to go. It’s the plot of every hilariously dystopian movie you’ve ever seen, except it’s real and it’s happening. I was wondering if our President-elect had anything to say about it, being as he so loves to tweet. So I looked. And………yeah, nothing there. Zero. But Vanity Fair ran a bad review of the restaurant in Trump Tower this week! Calling the Donald! Calling the Donald! National emergency!
Holy shit the guy’s skin is anorexic, it’s so thin. Our Fucking President. A man who can be baited into a spiteful response over a hamburger. He really is a hobo’s idea of what a rich guy would be. “If I became rich, I’d put up buildings with my name on it! I’d have gold hair!” It’s remarkable. Buckle up.
RIPOFF? OR JUST SMART ?
There was a big to do the other night when the defending NBA champ Cavaliers played in Memphis against the Grizzlies. Their big three guys – Lebron, Love and Irving – did not make the trip to Memphis. They were given the night off. The Grizzlies won the game. There are a lot of fans who were outraged, as they had paid good money (at least for a Grizzlies game) to see Lebron. And then they got scrubs. So I can see why they’d be angry about that. But isn’t this just good asset management by Cleveland? Lebron has been playing in the NBA for, what, 13-14 years or so? If they want him at his best, does he really need to play 82 games? It’s a tough thing. People get tired, but that’s also not an excuse for not showing up at work every day. Although I do know of someone who’s not in their office today….AHEM, Gazette staff….so there’s that. In the end, I get that the guys need to rest, yet that really sucks if someone saved up money to see a good game and instead got a bunch of understudies.
Yahoo….sorry….YAHOO! had their servers hacked. Or I think they got hacked a while back and just announced it now? I’m not sure, but one billion….ONE BILLION accounts may have been exposed. God, thank God the Twin Cities league isn’t on Yahoo and all its members don’t have accounts with them. Wait…
What is this bullshit going on in North Carolina? First the incumbent loses the election and refuses to concede. And that’s fine. But then the guy just throws out random accusations of voter fraud. No proof, no substance behind it, just a sore loser (sounds familiar, right?). But then, the Republican dominated legislature met this week in some emergency meeting, and agreed to ram through laws that totally neuter and reduce the power of the governorship before the Democratic winner can take office. State Senate approval will be needed for any appointments, the number of employees that report to the governor would be reduced by 80%, and gives their party a bigger say on the Board of Elections. For real. I can’t believe that could happen. What twats.
I love how Facebook has been chock full of nonsense for years, but now that Clinton lost the election, “fake news” is such a scandalous thing. Oooh, let’s bring it up to Congress and let’s all pledge to stop this great scourge. Let’s make Facebook scramble to correct this giant wrong that has been done. The phoniest of baloneys. YOU LOST.
The media desperately tried to create a “goalie controversy” with the Rangers after Antti Raanta (an oddly spelled name, to be sure) played four straight games while Henrik sat on the bench. Vigneault gave Hank the start last night in Dallas after his brief sabbatical and Lundqvist was awesome, shutting out the Dallas Stars. Nothing to see here, please disperse.
Pretty sad stuff this week with people dying right before the holidays. Alan Thicke died and went out the way every Canadian dreams, after playing hockey with his son. NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager died from cancer as well. He was a bit of a goof and wore terrible clothes, and yet the outpouring from the NBA community was really touching. Just reminds you to live life to the fullest. Enjoy every sandwich.
Dear Harry, as we’re about to enter 2017, do you have any resolutions for the new year? Thanks!
Juno – Rockville Centre, NY
Juno, thanks for your note. I think we both know my resolution. We see each other as you’re behind that fence. We both run around and get excited. In 2017, I VOW to dig a hole under that fence and get in that yard with you. OUR LOVE CANNOT BE DENIED! (editor’ note….Harry and Juno are hilarious. We walk by that house and the dog parades around and it drives Harry bananas).
Also, I resolve to drag The Poobah out for long walks in this cold weather, to eat every meal like I’m at the Coney Island Nathan’s on the Fourth of July, to grab any shoe that is left unattended on the floor for more than ten seconds, to fetch any ball that is thrown, to curl up to any member of the family that sits near me, to continue to shower the Poobah family with my undying love and affection. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Hey Poobah, I’m laying down over here! Get over here and scratch my belly you fat shit!
SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY
In My Life – The Beatles
Long Road To Ruin – Foo Fighters
Closed Mouth Don’t Get Fed – The Motet
Booth Love – Umphrey’s McGee
Happy – Pharrell Williams
In The Moment – Jim James
The Christmas Song – Nat King Cole
The Bells Of St. Mary’s – Andy Williams
Father Christmas – The Kinks
That Spirit Of Christmas – Ray Charles
White Christmas – Bing Crosby
You may ask yourself, who is this Umphrey’s McGee group that keeps playing on The Poobah’s Spotify? They’re a “jam band” of sorts, but really good musicians, and they play a whole bunch of differing types of music. To end 2016 on a high note musically, watch this. If this doesn’t put a smile on your face, you don’t have a heart.
Which of course brings us to the end of another banner year in the Twin Cities.
Look at this scene. So many things wrong in this photo, as Mrs. Poobah and I tried to “pose” the kids for a Christmas card picture. And this is what came out. And this is one of the shots on the official Poobah Family Christmas Card. And that’s life. You can plan and try to make everything perfect. But sometimes life throws you a “kids laying on the ground while the 100 pound hungry dog sits on the boy’s crotch”. And let’s face it, THAT is what’s perfect. That’s life. It’s what you make of it. Mrs. Poobah is going to take a chance in the new year and branch out and start her own business. A risk? Probably. But you gotta live, everybody. You gotta be happy. And this will make her happy. So she HAS to go for it. I hope everyone in the Twin Cities grabs life by the short hairs and lives. Be happy. Live well and live life to the fullest. Love to all and Merry Christmas.
No predictions. Everyone’s a winner this week, dammit! Maybe we’ll have a short Gazette next week, maybe not. Who knows? That’s life. GAZETTE IS OUT.