VOLUME 15, ISSUE 9

Happy Friday to everyone and greetings from a windblown New Jersey.  It’s that fun time of year out here where it’s 72 during the day and somehow goes down to the mid thirties at night.  Crazy weather patterns in the atmosphere.  We’re only three weeks away from Thanksgiving.  I’m not ready yet.  I refuse to believe 10 months of the year have passed already.  It still seems like it should be about mid-April.   More importantly, we only have another five weeks of regular season action in the Twin Cities.  Wow.  Let’s see how everyone is doing.  To the recaps.

WEEK 8 RECAPS

Apache Chief      94.22

Shazam                 79.80

apachechief2

Brainiac             78.36

Catwomen        73.62

Celo eeks out a victory as Zach Miller gets the necessary points to move Brainiac to a surprising 4-4 on the season.  It was yet another tough loss for the commish, who just cannot seem to get his clicking together during the dame week.  He’s 1-7.

Green Lantern       103.74

Batman                     70.34

A beating is administered by the green lanterns.  Aaron Rodgers and Jordan Howard (who?) had mammoth days for Chris and he improves to 5-3.  Kev drops to 6-2 but is still buoyed by those early wins.

FC Aquaman           94.20

Huntress                  75.30

Jorge’s league leaders do it again as they knock off the high powered huntress.   Drew Brees and the Denver defense were the standouts for him as he moves to 7-1 and is comfortably at the top of the heap.  A tough loss for Jill as she drops to that large group at 4-4.

The Toxic Avenger        94.62

Plastic Man                     61.70

An easy win for the avengers as they good days from Elliott and Palmer to pace them a=to a victory and move them up to third place.  Mike was too busy dressing like Jimmy Chitwood for Halloween (and he looked spectacular by the way) to sub in a QB for the injured Big Ben.

Flash               107.40

Darkseid         77.58

Flash with huge days from Brady, Riddick and Crowder to coast to a surprisingly easy win over the tough Darkseid.   Danny moves up to 4-4 and is squarely back in the hunt, while Darkseid drops to 5-3 and is currently somehow on the outside looking in.

Captain Atom         97.02

Superman                92.08

Running backs rule the day as Forte and Bernard do the job for Jose’s team who improves to 2-6.  Todd got tons of garbage points from Blake Bortles but not enough support as Superman takes up residence in the Twin Cities cellar.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

FOUR MORE DAYS!   FOUR MORE DAYS!

hillary-clinton-donald-trump

Our long national nightmare is almost over.  The Poobah simply cannot stand any more of this shit.  I am just so weakened and broken down from all of this shit.  I still can’t tell you what either of these people will do as President other than the fact that the other person is a dick/bitch/take your pick.  And not only are the two candidates absolutely and relentlessly negative.  If you ever dip your toes into the Facebook swamp (and The Poobah does from time to time) and you will be just inundated with bullshit and nonsense.  I don’t think I’ve seen one “pro” post for anyone.  Instead I see things #pussygrabber and #draintheswamp and other crap.  There are no issues to discuss, no policies.  Just pure, unadulterated hatred.  It’s disgusting.

If there’s one group who’s VERY concerned about an issue it’s our pals at the St. Agnes parish in Rockville Centre.  They sent out a message to their parishoners last week that essentially, they should only vote for candidates that are pro-life and therefore, would lead the country in the right direction (Hey Danny, was this the proper usage of the Oxford Comma, or a run on sentence, you grammar Nazi bastard?).  Can you believe the fucking nerve of these people?  It’s tough to get a letter from good old Father Murphy, who has covered up for fucking child molesters, telling anyone about the sanctity of life and who will protect the children.  Get lost you fucking hack.

The worst thing about this is that this won’t stop.  If Trump wins, you’ll have a cottage industry of people critiquing his every move for four years.  If Hillary wins, you’ll have a cottage industry of people saying she should be thrown in jail for the next four years.  That is, until they’re done saying the election was fucking rigged.  And then this whole thing will kick in again before you know it.  Jesus.   BOOOOOOOOOO

CHARLIE BROWN FINALLY KICKS THE BALL

ct-cubs-indians-world-series-game7-photos

Another long standing national nightmare is now finally over.  The Cubs have won the World Series after 108 years.  It was, by all accounts a thrilling game.  Cleveland came back from a 6-3 deficit in the eighth inning to tie the game, sending the crowd into some sort of rapture.  Then there was a rain delay after the ninth inning.  Finally you had the Cubs winning in 10 innings, but not until the Indians made it exciting with a run and still had a guy on base.  The Poobah would love to say that he was riveted by the action and was transfixed by the Cubs breaking their century long championship drought.  The reality is that The Poobah was nestled in bed around the top of the seventh inning.  Sorry folks.  I’m old and I get up at 5AM.  I can’t be sitting there watching two teams I don’t care about playing baseball until after midnight.  I’m a bad sports fan, I know.  But regardless, a great series and a triumph for baseball in 2016.

But there’s something very gratifying to see people who haven’t seen a championship being just so genuinely overjoyed.  I’m not talking about all the twenty somethings who were standing and celebrating while taking selfies outside Wrigley Field on Wednesday night that started rooting for the Cubs last year, I mean the real Chicago Cubs diehards.  Like the older man who drove down to a North Carolina cemetery so he could listen to Game 7 next to his dad’s grave because that was their pact before he passed away…that they would listen to the Cubs in the World Series as father and son.  Kind of creepy, but very heartwarming as well.  It’s cool to see the walls of Wrigley Field being used as a mural that people can write names of their relatives who didn’t live long enough to see the Cubs win.  Great stuff.

So what happens now with the Cubs?  What is their identity moving forward now that they’re no longer the lovable losers with all the celebrity fans?  Will anyone care about them anymore now that the romanticism of never having won isn’t hanging over their heads?  I have no clue…I haven’t followed baseball since the Yankees were eliminated from playoff contention in early March.  HA!   Until next season, baseball.

QUICK HITS

Besides the Patriots, where are the good football teams?  The whole league seems to stink this year.  Hey the Broncos are great!   They’re the defending champs!   Now we realize they have no offense and they’re shaky.  Hey the Vikings are great!   That D is killer!   Now we see that Sam Fucking Bradford is their quarterback and they’re shaky.  It’s a testament to that group of asshats in New England that they’re solid every single friggin year.  What an organization.  And this week they decide to trade Jamie Collins, perhaps their best defensive player.  Just totally and completely out of the blue.  If the Giants did this I would be apoplectic.  But let’s be honest, Belichick has a way of getting the most out of anyone who’s ever played for him.  Think about all the “stars” the Pats have had and if they’ve had any success once they’ve left.  Players or coaches for that matter.  I can’t think of one.  Not one.  And they’re going to romp to another championship in February.  I hate them.

Such a shame about those cops being killed in Iowa earlier this week.  According to The Poobah’s Facebook feed, it really shows there’s a war on cops and blue lives matter and once Trump is in office things like this will stop and how did these thugs get guns and drain the swamp and this is what happens when Obama pits blacks against whites.  And then it came out that the suspect is a white guy who carries around Confederate flags and all that Facebook chatter absolutely stopped fucking dead in its tracks.  Meanwhile, these two guys are tragically still dead and their families continue to grieve, but no one seems to care anymore.  Funny (and by “funny” I mean “pathetic”) how that happens.

They’re still trying to find out what happened to Amelia Earhart?  Can’t we just let it go?  The latest from this week is that she didn’t die in a plane crash but that she died as a castaway.  How long ago did this whole thing go down?  75 years ago?  It’s unseemly that people are still so earnestly trying to figure this out.  Do we need to know her daily routine on Gilligan’s Island as she starved to death?  I don’t get it.

The Poobah spends a lot of time in the Poobahmobile.  A LOT.  Like 3+ hours per day.  So a lot of time is spent listening to the traffic reports to help determine the best way to drive.  Should I go through Manhattan?  Or the Bronx?  Or Brooklyn?  Lots of options there so WCBS and WINS are in heavy rotation.  The commercials that run on these stations is utterly amazing.  Just taking stock of the last week there have been spots for what I think would be every hospital in the metro area (Mt Sinai, Winthrop, NYU, Hospital for Special Surgery, Lenox Hill, South Nassau and countless others).  There have been spots for making sure you pick out a cemetery plot so you don’t addle your family with that decision.  There have been spots for the new show “Kevin Can Wait”.  There have been spots for some companies that will help you get out of time shares.  There have been spots for companies that help with affordable term life insurance, even if you have heart problems or diabetes.  There have even been spots for some company that creates ready to eat canned meals that will help you and your family survive in case of a food riot.  Holy crap.  Who the fuck are their listeners?  Wait, I listen.  DAMMIT

Littlest Poobah is a musical little man.  He can pretty much hum any song by heart after hearing it once.  He plays drums in a damn band for God’s sake.  We’re in the kitchen Wednesday and he says “What’s that terrible song that we heard that time?”  So I put the song in question on the old Spotify.  “Never Gonna Give You Up” by the great, great Rick Astley.  I’ve said it before, it’s the worst album (by far) that The Poobah ever spent money on.  Just wretched.    And don’t you know that as he sat there doing his homework and I sat there doing my thing that I left the entirety of the album on?  And we sat there and listened to it all?  Child Services would be well within their rights to stuff me in a barrel and dump it in the middle of Long Island Sound.  Just atrocious parenting.

The economic markets just make no sense to a simpleton like The Poobah.  This week, Facebook says it made billions this quarter, just explosive and ridiculous growth.  And they say that we shouldn’t expect these crazy numbers to continue, as they’re not going to put even more ads on Facebook.  Stock gets crushed.  Oil prices go up and people wind up not being able to buy other things because they’re spending so much on gas.  Markets gets crushed.  Oil prices go down and people get worried that other prices will follow and markets gets crushed.   None of this makes sense to me.

Did you know the Giants haven’t beaten the Eagles in over three calendar years?  Three years!  October of 2013.  That’s awful and it desperately needs to change on Sunday.   If the Giants want to continue to have meaningful games this year, they must win Sunday.   God, I fucking hate the Eagles.  VAMOS!!!!!!!

DEAR HARRY

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Folks, I got countless letters this week asking about who I’m voting for on Tuesday.  I understand it’s a big election and all and there are a lot of curious dogs.  Well, wonder no more, everyone!

I have made my decree on the Presidential election. HARRY HAS SPOKEN!

A post shared by @iamharrythedog on

 

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

spotify

Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley

Whenever You Need Somebody – Rick Astley

Together Forever – Rick Astley

It Would Take A Strong Strong Man – Rick Astley

The Love Has Gone – Rick Astley

Don’t Say Goodbye – Rick Astley

Slipping Away – Rick Astley

No More Looking For Love – Rick Astley

You Move Me – Rick Astley

When I Fall In Love- Rick Astley

rick-astley

opening-the-ark-o

POWER RANKINGS

  1. FC Aquaman (7-1)  aquaman8 Gracefully crushing everyone
  2. The Toxic Avenger (5-3) bolton Hanging tough
  3. Batman (6-2) whack Still in it for now
  4. Green Lantern (5-3) grnday 29 Coming on strong
  5. Darkseid (5-3)  ventress-swe Still dangerous
  6. Apache Chief (5-3) tonto Good scores masking some issues
  7. Huntress (4-4) hunteravengingangel Silenced by Aquaman in Week 8
  8. Shazam (5-3) flexseal  Needs to plug some holes
  9. Flash (4-4) Moscow International Marathon It’s a marathon, not a sprint
  10. Brainiac (4-4) blazingsaddles_mongocomestotown Smartly knocks off the catwomen
  11. Captain Atom (3-5) warwick_davis_877550 Looked mighty tall last week
  12. Catwomen (1-7) Taboo USA: Episode 5: Extreme Obsessions
NGCUS Ep Code: 9798
NGCI IBMS Code: 041960 Have moved from sad to just disappointing
  13. Plastic Man (1-7) vandamme9 Jury’s not split on his performance
  14. Superman (1-7) superman9 Laboring to the end of the season

WEEK 9 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some turkey chili with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Daddy survives by two points

Darkseid prolongs Catwomen’s agony

Green Lantern over Brainiac

Aquaman over Batman in the game of the week

Mitchell keeps winning

Captain Atom in a barnburner over Flash

Superman finally gets back in the win column

 

LAST WEEK : 6-1

SEASON:        36-20

 

 

 

 

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 8

Happy Friday to all and greetings from the home office in Rockville Centre.   The textbook crisp autumn day here.  Leaves flying through the air, not a cloud in the sky, the dog walking down the street loving life.  Can you believe that we are now more than halfway through the 2016 Twin Cities season?  Frightening stuff.  To the recaps.

 

WEEK 7 RECAPS

The Toxic Avenger          87.40

Apache Chief                    85.52

indian-crying

Catwomen    94.04

Batman          56.84

Finally a win for the commish.  Cousins, Hilton and Bell all with good days as the catwomen improve to 1-6.  Kev finally runs into a strojng opponent and Eli continues to just suck from a fantasy perspective.

Green Lantern     127.94

Huntress               110.92

The Damianis put on an offensive clinic in Week 7.  In the end Melvin Gordon proved too strong with his 30 points for the lanterns.   Both teams are 4-3 and both teams can win it all if things break right for them.

FC Aquaman       77.28

Shazam                66.48

A bit of a letdown from two of our top three teams in the Twin Cities.  David Johnson with another big day (nice draft, Apache Chief) for Jorge who moves back into first place.  Shazam drops to 5-2 but is still squarely in the mix.

Flash              95.28

Brainiac         75.52

Just balanced scoring across the board for Craig’s squad and they get back into the conversation at 3-4.  Celo’s team struggled, but Celo was also in a tropical paradise with his wife last weekend so who’s the real winner here?

Darkseid         65.96

Superman       58.04

Remember all that talk of the offensive explosion between Swiss Family Damiani.  Yeah, well this was not that.

Captain Atom            75.80

Plastic Man                 49.62

Jose wins by 25 points while only starting two receivers and getting zero points from his defense.  Tough week for Plastic Man, who drops to 1-6.

 

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.  GOD SAVE US ALL.

collinsint

I would imagine that the people of the UK were excited for Sunday’s game.  They sold 82,000 seats in the new Twickenham stadium to watch some good American football.  And what they got was the Giants and Rams looking like two toddlers having a slapfight.  Holy shit was that some ugly fucking football.  But it was a Giants victory.  A victory that somehow puts them over the .500 mark, at 4-3 as they head into their bye week.

You had to be happy with the way the defense played.  They didn’t allow much of anything to the Rams.  A certain Twin Cities owner must be kicking himself after picking Gurley over David Johnson with the fourth selection in this year’s Twin Cites Draft (ahem).  But they actually got pressure on Keenum.  Hand to God, I even think I saw him get sacked once or twice.  And after doing nothing in the turnover department for a long time, they got (and now I sound like a game show host) not ONE, not TWO, not THREE but FOUR interceptions!  Holy cow, when was the last time the Giants picked off someone four times in a game?  Neil Lomax?  Ron Jaworski?  I have no idea but that was wonderful.  A really strong outing by the defense and especially for Landon Collins, who scored the big highlight play with his interception return, but he has been their best defensive player all season long.  The guy is massive and he lays fucking wood when he hits.  He rarely misses a tackle.  And he showed he can play center fielder and actually catch an errant pass.  This is what the Giants envisioned when they traded up in the second round to grab him last year.  Nice to see help developing into a monster.  I look forward to the Giants letting him walk somewhere else in 2018 or so and then grabbing some goon off someone else’s practice squad to play safety.

But as we know, the overarching theme of this year is “Jesus Fucking Christ…..The 2016 New York Football Giants”.  And watching this offense?  Jesus Fucking Christ.  I think we can now etch it in stone….the Giants can’t run the football.  20 carries on the day for 38 yards.  And the thing is it doesn’t matter which back they put into the game because the only running play that Dumbfuck McAdoo knows is the fucking shotgun draw.  Didn’t that play leave when Gilbride was canned?  It is the slowest goddamn play to develop.  Jennings gets the ball after like a three second wait for it and he has to try and dodge like three different defensive guys.  It’s laughable.  It seems that the top priority for the team is to not let Eli get hit.  How else can you explain yet another fucking week of dump offs and hurried throws?  How much more of this crap will continue to be force fed down our throats?  And one more thing…how is Larry Donnell still playing for this team?  He doesn’t do one thing well.  He is soft as shit trying to block anyone.  He has awful hands.  And when he does catch a ball, he protects it like he’s handling a fucking live ferret.  Enough of Larry Donnell.  He makes Will Tye look explosive.

McAdoo has to give up offensive playcalling duties at this point.   He’s supposed to have this “West Coast offense” style.  I say that in quotes because has anything this team has done offensively remind you of a West Coast offense?  You always see and hear about the quick slant route.  Has one receiver run that once all season?  I’m sick of watching the Giants complete two straight passes, yet still face a 3rd down and 5.  McAdoo thought he was being creative on one play when he put Beckham in the backfield.  Every single person in the 82,000 seat stadium, even though they’ve never seen a down of American football, knew that he was going to get the ball.  Sure enough, they snap it, Eli throws it almost like a lateral and Odell gets swallowed up for like a six yard loss.  I think they forgot to teach WR’s how to block in practice.   I just don’t know because they feel the offensive line can’t block anyone?  Can there be a reason for this bland, boring, shit style of football the Giants are playing on this side of the ball?    And for that matter, what the hell is happening to the Giants defense on third down?  They’re generally aggressive on first and second down.  Then Spagnuolo decides to get passive on third down and they give up a ton of big conversions.  Not even last week, but all year.  Man do they need a bye to get these dopes thinking about what the hell they’re doing.

At least we don’t have to watch them this weekend.  But they return to action next week against the Eagles.  A team that brings all kinds of pressure defensively.  The Vikings looked ridiculous against them.  Eli has had some terrible games, and he is also notoriously atrocious when pressured.   Does anyone have a shred of confidence going into that game?    That could get ugly.  Nevertheless, they’re 4-3 and anything is possible.  Until next week with this fucking team…VAMOS.

CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER

ethernet

The FCC voted and ruled yesterday that broadband providers cannot collect and distribute digital information about its customers without permission.  Currently, companies like Comcast and Verizon and countless others are freely able to collect information on your web browsing, app usage, location, financial information and all kinds of other shit.  Then they use that information to send you “targeted advertising”.  So naturally, these companies are all up in arms that they need your fucking permission to sell out your fucking data so they can make more fucking money.  They say they “personalized advertising and content is beneficial to all consumers”.  Like we’re all waiting around for a banner to load from a company we like.  The Poobah happens to know many people who do this sort of thing and let me tell you something.  Less than two tenths of one percent of people are clicking on these ads.  The average American gives two shits about whether there’s an ad from Macy’s or Target popping up on their page when they’re really there to just see which Kardashian is getting boned by another NBA player.  These companies are already charging us a goddamn arm and a leg just for the privilege of using their cable and lines.  And now they want to continue to have free reign to make more money on the backs of the people who keep them afloat.  What fucking pigs.  Eat shit.

BIGGEST ELECTION OF OUR LIVES!    SELFIE!!!!!!!!

boothselfie

So this is a real thing?  I can’t tell what’s funnier or more absurd here.  The fact there there’s still a law that a person can’t take picture inside a voting booth?  The law was made to discourage “vote buying”.  Like that’s still a thing in 2016?  People can actually be thrown in jail in 16 states for talking a picture of their ballot.  Is this 1820 and we’re worried that the Sioux tribe is going to barge into the polling place?  What the hell kind of archaic crap is this?  Or is it that there’s a group of people who are actually trying to sue for the right to take a goddamn selfie inside of a voting booth?  Is it possible in this day and age for a person to just put the fucking phone down for a second?  Does anyone you know give a frog’s fat ass that you just fucking voted?  I guess the answer is “yes”.  Look at all the mental giants following Justin Timberlake.   “Great”  “Go you” “you are so cool”.  So sad.   Such a fucking waste of time.  Although who’s the dunce who decided to write a paragraph on this nonsense?  Moving on.

 

QUICK HITS

This week in politics!  Another email dump shows that Hillary’s staff realized that all this money going into Bill’s coffers from his foundation might not be good for her business. There were others that didn’t seem illegal, but just exposes the process of political campaigns and how discouraging all of this is.  So gross.  Then you have Trump saying that every poll is rigged….well except for any one that shows him winning.  Seems logical.   You have Mark Kirk, an Illinois senator, mocking his opponent’s mixed race heritage, questioning how her Thai ancestors could’ve fought alongside of George Washington.  This coming from a guy who has repeatedly lied about his own military service.  This comment towards a woman who lost both her legs serving this country, and whose family on her father’s side have fought in every war going back to the American Revolution.  This Kirk guy should eat a giant bag of shit every day for the rest of his life.  Somehow he’s a sitting United States Senator.  Piece of garbage.  Not to be outdone, Joe Errigo, who is running for office in Rochester, said on the radio that “I hear the way President Obama talks that tells the black people to get out there, kill them.  Kill the whites”.  The guy really said that.  That the President of the land is telling minorities to kill the white people.  And finally, Ed Mangano realized the error of his ways with his corruption arrest by giving himself a $19,0000 raise this week.  I continue to have my expectations lowered and my spirit beat up when I realize the folks we put into office.  Shame on us.

Can the media relax about this Kyle Schwarber guy?  If you don’t know, he’s the guy who was out all year for the Cubs after knee surgery.  He came back for the first two games of the World Series and got three hits in two games.  And now there’s this national intrigue if he can play the field and get in the lineup.  Two games and the guy is fucking Lou Gehrig?  Can they calm down a bit?  The Cubs won 103 games and got to the World Series without him.  Life will certainly go on if he can’t waddle around in left field for a game or three.

Huge shocker, but the group of angry white guys who got themselves all armed and took over a government building for a few weeks were found not guilty of their crimes this week.  Looking forward to some Black Lives Matter fools getting armed and taking over a federal building in New York with no repercussions.  I’m sure that would go over equally well.  Holy crap.  And I wonder why these people get so upset.

Don’t look now but Twitter is in huge trouble.  They can’t get anyone to buy them and now they had to shut down their popular Vine service.  I think it’s because The Poobah hasn’t posted there in years and America…nay, the world…is following suit.

People are just SO upset at The Walking Dead.  In last week’s episode, the big bad guy bashes people heads in with a barbed wire baseball bat and kills them.  People wonder “Did the show go too far?”  A show which manages to be fucking disgusting every single week, with zombies getting hacked up and destroyed in the most repulsive manner possible?  And you’re worried about the violence now?  Yeesh.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry,

My canine wife says I’m getting fat.  I’m worried she will find me unattractive and become interested in other dogs.  Any tips on how I can get in shape?  Thanks!

Sluggo – Port Jefferson, NY

Sluggo, thanks for your note.  As a dog of girth myself….I officially weighed in at 91 pounds of BLACK FUCKING FURY at my vet appointment this Wednesday, I understand your situation.  Although I’m in killer shape of course.  The veritable brick shithouse.  Anyway, if she’s giving you a hard time, I mean just mount her and go to town.  We’re fucking dogs, right?  Bear in mind, this advice comes from a dog that would never do that and moves away from a 20 pound dog that barks at him, so your mileage may vary.

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

spotify

Virginia – The Marcus King Band

Treat Her Like A Lady – Corneilus Brothers & Sister Rose

Hey Hey What Can I Do – Led Zeppelin

Operator – Jim Croce

Way Down We Go -Kaleo

Atlantic City – The Band

Spots Of Time – Warren Haynes and Railroad Earth

The Jean Genie – David Bowie

Patience – Guns N Roses

What’s Your Favorite Color? – Living Colour

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. candy1 KING OF ALL CANDIES
  2. candy3 A great candy car
  3. candy10 Underrated
  4. candy7 Very satisfying
  5. candy11 I like the squishiness, what can I say?
  6. candy6 Sometimes you feel like a nut
  7. candy5 They’ve gotten rid of the individual wraps.  BOO
  8. candy4 Classic
  9. candy8 As I get older, they taste really sweet
  10. candy9 The humble candy dots

There are more I could list, like Kit Kat 100 Grand and Twix and Crunch, but they all have gluten so screw those guys.

 

WEEK 8 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some hot open turkey sandwiches with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Daddy’s collapse is on as he gets mortified by Shazam

Brainiac moves to .500

Green Lantern over the batmen

In a great game, Aquaman over Huntress as they both score 100

Mitchell with a victory

Flash shocks Darkseid

Captain Atom pulls it out

 

LAST WEEK:  5-2

SEASON:        30-19

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 7

Happy Friday to all and greetings from a very damp central New Jersey.  The offices of the Gazette were very odd this week.  It was about 85 degrees outside and the inside had to be 62 degrees or so, and that’s generous.  This leads people to be walking around in big sweaters and jackets even though you’d pass out if you wore that outside.  Weird.  Anyway, we’re already six weeks into the season.  Hell, we’re less than five weeks from Thanksgiving.  Jesus.  To the recaps…

WEEK 6 RECAPS

Apache Chief              104.10

Plastic Man                  93.16

apachechief2

Huntress           82.02

Catwomen        78.02

A bit of an ugly game sees Jill survive with a narrow victory.  Andrew Luck and Terrelle Pryor carry the day for the now 4-2 Huntress.  Terranova still just cannot catch a break and remains stymied in 2016.

Shazam                   79.86

Green Lantern      77.56

Another defensive struggle, this time between Chris and Danny.  Marcus Mariota scored almost 30 points and was the big breadwinner for the flash.  A disappointing outing from Aaron Rodgers and yet another missed game for Jordan Reed didn’t help Chris out a bit.

FC Aquaman                  122.80

The Toxic Avenger       92.52

Brees, Johnson and Michael were all just absolutely unconscious for the Aquaman as they quickly return to the winners circle after being scalped by the Apache Chief last week.  McCoy and Elliott were good for Mitchell, but not enough support from the rest of the avengers in Week 6.

Batman            66.12

Flash                58.34

Yet another ugly victory for the now 6-0 Batman.  Have you ever seen such a turnaround in fortune as he’s having in 2016?  Remarkable.   Craig’s team underperforms their projections by 40 points and takes a tough tumble to 2-4.

Brainiac            93.96

Superman        64.24

Odell finally busts the hell out with 32 points and Brainiac looks like a genius for drafting him second overall.  Jonathan Stewart and Rob Gronkowski came back form their injuries and scored over 20 points apiece, but were left stranded on Superman’s bench.  Roster moves have proved to be kryptonite for them this year.  Enjoy the veal!

Darkseid                 87.28

Captain Atom       47.80

Jimmy’s team had huge days from Cam Newton and Terrance West (who?) as they cruised to 4-2.  Jose’s team changed their name, and that’s the most positive thing for them in Week 6.

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

AT THIS POINT, WE’LL TAKE IT

odellravens

You know that you’re frustrated as a fan when your team wins a game and your first words are “Jesus Christ”.  Maybe it’s because as a Giants fan, I am now accustomed to watching them lose in all kinds of ways (punt returns, fumble recoveries, inexplicable 20+ point leads lost in playoff games when they’re playing the team your wife roots for, etc.) but man, the feeling wasn’t great happiness, it was an overwhelming sense of exhaustion and relief.  I can see the NFL Films Blu-ray now…”Jesus Fucking Christ….The 2016 New York Football Giants“.

And yet they have righted the ship and are back to .500.   Of course, they’re still the fourth best team in a four team division, but still.  It’s at least nice that the season is not already over, which I thought it was at about 2:00 on Sunday.  It was nice to see that the Giants didn’t fold up like a cheap suit at 10-0.  There have been a lot of times where the wheels just completely fall off of the bus when things don’t go well.

This is one of those games where it seems like the Giants didn’t play great in any facet of the game, yet walked away with a win.  The defense was pretty good I guess.  But you’re playing a crap offense that doesn’t even have the services of Giants-killer Steve Smith.  Eli threw for 400 yards.  Sounds like a big, great number.  But he had like 150 in the first three quarters and made some shockingly fucking terrible throws.  The offense scored 27 points but they only ran for like 35 yards.  They simply cannot run the ball.  On the other hand, Eli was rarely touched on Sunday.  How can pass block well yet have no clue how to run block?

Then you have the brain dead portion of the roster.  On offense, Larry Donnell continues to stay only about one a half steps ahead of being functionally retarded.  There’s a third down and about four yards to go.  There’s about 1:45 to go…plenty of time.  Donnell catches a pass from Eli, he sees open field to get the first down, and he……he goes out of fucking bounds.  This sets up a fourth down and the season to go.  Here’s a Gazette refrain : are you fucking kidding me?  On the defensive side, the Giants have just stopped the Ravens on fourth down to win the game.  But nope, Owamagbe Odighizuwa (that’s a Wheel Of Fortune bonus round name right there) roughs Flacco and the game goes on.  You can question how many steps he took, but that is a grade A stupid fucking play.  Two morons.

Here’s some food for thought…Odell Beckham had what was probably the best game of his career and all anyone could talk about was how he is a “distraction” on the sideline with all of his nonsense with the kicking net.  I find that hard to believe.  Beckham saved the Giants season with over 200 receiving in the second fucking half of a game and I have to see articles on how he’s a diva and just another “me-first” receiver?  You can argue that his bullshit on the field, with the unsportsmanlike penalties and his immaturity, can hurt the team.  No question.  But who gives a fuck about him on the sideline?  Let it go, media.  You’re better than that.  Also love how McAdoo can “stand by Josh Brown as a man” but says that Beckham needs to figure it out and grow up.  Okey dokey, Ben.

This all means that the Giants are now 3-3 as they go to London to play the Rams.  There’s a great representative of American football, huh?  Let’s watch the dull as fuck Rams with Case Keenum at the helm against a dull as fuck Giants team.  London will be clamoring for an NFL franchise after the conclusion of this display of athletic brilliance.  Regardlless, it’s a chance for the Giants to actually be above .500 as they head to their bye week.  Can you imagine this fucking team being 4-3?  Stranger things have happened.  VAMOS

KICK HIS ASS OUT

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What more do we need to hear about Josh Brown?  The Gazette has written previously about what a grade A fucking scumbag he is.  More documents were released the other day and they plainly show, in Brown’s own words in journals, how he’s “an abuser of women”.   How he beat up his wife and emotionally terrorized her on numerous occasions.  How he thinks of himself as God and his wife as his slave.  How did the Giants and the NFL not know all of this shit already?  Or did they even try to dig this shit up?

Here’s a gem from the police report released Wednesday.  It depicts an incident that happened at the fucking Pro Bowl in January of this year…“One night, Josh showed up at Molly’s room drunk and was pounding on her door to be let in. Molly refused to let Josh in, and (she) eventually had to call NFL and hotel security. Josh was escorted away from Molly’s room and the NFL ended up having to put Molly and the kids up in a different hotel room where Josh would not know where they were.”

And the information that his ex-wife didn’t answer inquiries from the league because she felt they would just try to sweep it under the rug is pretty damning too.  What a disgrace all around.   The fact that he’s still employed by the team and the league is a fucking affront to all the women the NFL so cravenly tries to court with their pink shoes and towels that are on the sidelines during October.  I like how he’s “inactive” for this week.  That means they had to sign Robbie Gould and cut some other unsuspecting guy to get the roster down to the appropriate size.  So a guy loses his job because Josh Brown beats his wife.  An abomination.  Although if there’s fresh new outrage from people on this and the NFL/Giants think it will affect the almighty bottom line, then you’ll see action taken.  That’s the way it was with Ray Rice, Greg Hardy and it will be with Brown.  What a disgrace.  Get this shithead off the team.  If the Giants had any balls, they’d have let Brown travel to London with them and then cut him, allowing him to find his own way back to America.  What a shitbird.  And what a bunch of shitbird enablers at the Giants and the league.  Fuck all of them.

DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER?

Is the World Series just going to be insane?  You have the Indians, who haven’t won a world title since…I guess since Indians were actually in Cleveland.  They are playing crazy baseball right now as they swept the Red Sox and knocked off the Blue Jays in five games.  Their bullpen has been amazing.  Francona continues to baffle everybody by using any and all relievers in any type of situation and in any inning.  Andrew Miller has become a household name with his performance in October.  And I love how the Indians responded to the Jays over the series.  The Jays constantly complained about the Indians maybe stealing signals, that the umpires favored the Indians and how their rookie pitcher would be “shaking in his boots”.  The Indians responded to the last by tweeting out an image showing champagne in a cowboy boot after the clincher.  And I also love watching the Jays lose and disappointing their asshole fan base again.  Loved them shutting up and shutting out Jose Bautista, who as always, talks a great game, but when push comes to shove?

odor-punch-gif

Gosh, I love that.  I could watch it for days on a loop.  Anyway, Cleveland (now America’s new titletown?) awaits either the Cubs or the Dodgers in the World Series.

AMERICA!   FUCK YEAH!

mangano

Another banner fucking week for the political process and our elected officials.  You have another scintillating debate that I didn’t watch a second of.  I’ve seen that Trump basically said he won’t necessarily accept defeat, claiming that everything is rigged against him.  Even the Emmys were rigged against “The Apprentice” too, he said without irony.  Nice to just throw our entire democratic process and our citizens who vote under the bus.   In the city we have tree hugger and awful human being and mayor Bill Deblasio taking a fucking helicopter between Queens and Brooklyn to make sure he was on time for something.  I think I speak for the whole city when I say I am counting the days until this mook leaves office.  And last but not least, Nassau County executive Ed Mangano was finally arrested for corruption.  One of The Poobah’s neighbors said when Mangano got elected back in 2009 that his administration would end with him in handcuffs.  Mangano has long been associated with unsavory types and there have been whispers for years that he’s crooked and dirty.  So it was really only a matter of time before this happened.  Indeed, these are the people we select to help run the fucking country.  Holy shit.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry,

I’ve been watching these debates and besides the facts that these humans are just insufferable, they seem to talk about other countries a lot.  What are your views on NAFTA and our trade agreements?

Tippy – Lake Ronkonkoma, NY

Thanks for your note, Tippy.  Foreign trade is such a touchy subject.  How much is too much?  Should we be dependent on other countries?  But in terms of trade, my feeling is that if I lay down and am a good boy, that certainly deserves a treat, right?

QUICK HITS

Oh boy, what’s happening with the Jets?  The Poobah they would be in the mix this year.  Unfortunately, Fitzpatrick looks like the worst QB in the league and the Jets have turned to Geno Smith to take over.  Geno?  Hoo boy.  Bowles seems to have a allergic reaction to risk taking, and I’ve seen him punt the ball from inside the 40 a few times.  Brutal.  Although the Jets have some easier games coming up and may actually be able to win a few games over the next couple of weeks.  Time will tell.

The Poobah is getting old, folks.  It’s to the point where I don’t even know what the kids are talking about anymore.  The phrase “on fleek” is used around the house constantly.  What the fuck is on fleek?  I always think Little Poobah has a speech impediment or something when she says that.  Another one I hear a lot is “dank”.  I always thought dank meant something bad, but apparently now it’s something positive.  Again, I am not aging gracefully.

In news that’s very interesting to aging jackasses like myself, look at this shit…

Fucking robots, man.  Fucking robots.

The Poobah doesn’t have many credos in life.  But one that I do have is that I don’t trust or even like any non-British person who uses the term “whilst” or ends an email with “Cheers”.    Get fucking lost.

 

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

spotify

Crossroads – Cream

Run Right To You – Hollis Brown

Dancing In The Streets – Grateful Dead

Good Day For The Blues – Storyville

Put Your Money On Me  – The Struts

Hey Pocky A Way – The Meters

In The Evening – Led Zeppelin

Strawberry Fields Forever – Richie Havens

Dissident – Pearl Jam

Can’t Get Next To You – The Temptations

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. Batman  bap Still undefeated against all odds
  2. FC Aquaman aquaman7 Makes a big splash with a win
  3. Huntress hunterbeach    No day at the beach, but still a win
  4. Shazam shamwow7 Soaked up a Week 6 victory
  5. The Toxic Avenger bolton Washed out by Aquaman
  6. Darkseid general-grievous_c9df9cb5  Dissected Captain Atom
  7. Apache Chief ansari_netflixseries_main Charms its way to second straight W
  8. Green Lantern mte5ndg0mdu1mjiwndg3njk1 Tough, tough loss
  9. Flash old-man-runs-meters-chelyabinsk-russia-august-championship-russia-track-field-athletics-elderly-58934555 Can’t outrun Batman
  10. Plastic Man8a840df75f934bdecd5aaa6462114684 Chances are starting to split up
  11. Brainiac cuba-gooding-radio-578x385 Turned the dials just right last week
  12. Superman 41y0ddwsoql-_sy445_ Season starting to get away from him
  13. Captain Atom herve Fantasy does not equal reality right now
  14. Catwomen woman-thinks-shes-a-cat-trapped-in-a-humans-body-hisses-at-dogs-and-hates-water_0625 Just sad at this point

 

WEEK 7 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some “breakfast for dinner”….eggs, ham and potatoes with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Daddy narrowly falls to the avengers

Terranova!   Finally!

In a Damiani family brouhaha, Jill by one over Chris

Jorge squeaks by

Flash upsets Brainiac

Darkseid survives

Plastic Man over the atoms by a few

 

LAST WEEK:   2-5

SEASON:        25-17

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 6

Happy Friday to all from the sticks of New Jersey.  The weather has turned and now we have chilly mornings and sunny afternoons.  The onslaught of pumpkin products is inescapable.  I am continually, and I mean CONTINUALLY going into Harry’s mouth to pull acorns out every time he goes outside.  Hell, the staff of the Gazette even got their flu shots yesterday.  Yep, it’s fall.  We are also five weeks into the season.  Some teams are solid, some are almost out of it, some are just blah (looking at you, Apache Chief).  Let’s see how we’re all doing here.  To the recaps…

WEEK 5 RECAPS

Apache Chief        105.00

FC Aquaman         101.34

apachechief2

Shazam               98.42

Catwomen         80.80

Marcus Mariota had 30 points for Shazam to lead them to victory.  Nice job by that Miami defense.  AWFUL.  So Danny moves to 4-1 and our commish, a yearly powerhouse, is stunningly still winless in the middle of October.  Thanks, Obama.

The Toxic Avenger      104.58

Green Lantern               92.36

Ezekiel Elliott (BOO) and David Carr lead the way as Mitchell’s crew pulls off the upset win. Chris got some untimely bad games from Julio Jones and Aaron Rodgers to saddle him with a loss.  Both teams are in the mix at 3-2.

Flash              104.44

Huntress      95.48

Tom Brady returns against an assclown Browns defense and eats them alive.  That was pretty much the difference as Flash picks up a tight victory to improve to 2-3.  Jill had a strong week with 95 points, but just got outscored.  She does need some RB help though.

Batman                81.76

Superman           25.70

Kev’s team improves to 5-0 and has yet to have a great week.  Luck of the draw, and you take every victory you can get.  There’s the Todd-run team we know and love, as five guys were in his starting lineup that didn’t play.  He still has a good looking team though, and a few adjustments and he’ll be back in it.

Brainiac           97.76

Spaceballs      48.70

I’d just like to this opportunity and space here to let Jose know that Keenan Allen is done for the season.  No need to play him.  Dalton, Beckham and Freeman all with big days to help Brainiac improve to 2-3.

Plastic Man        127.00

Darkseid              74.42

Mike’s team finally snaps out of the doldrums to win their first game of the season.  Roethlisberger, Bennett and Coates all had 24+ point days for Plastic Man.  A brutal day for Jimmy’s RB’s and WR’s and he slips to a large group at 3-2.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

OFFENSIVE

(get it?   because their offense stinks!)

offesive

The Giants offense continues to resemble a raging garbage fire that cannot be put out.  It’s like the worst “Groundhog Day” remake imaginable.  They can’t run the ball?  Check.   Dinks and dunks to Bobby Fucking Rainey?  Check.  Eli missing open guys?  Check.  Eli also getting skittish in the pocket?  Check.  Drops?  Check.  Poor blocking?  Check.  What a disaster their offense is.

Is it time where we can begin worrying about Eli?  Is this just a bad string of games, or is his career starting to melt like the Wicked Witch of the West?  He was fucking terrible yet again.  The classic Eli sequence came near the end of the first half.  The Giants, despite being outplayed for a majority of the first half, were only down 14-6.  Will Tye is running down the middle of the field wide open, WIDE FUCKING OPEN.  And Eli does not make a good throw.  Should Tye have caught the ball?  Oh, yes, he sure could’ve, but Tye looks like he can’t lift his arms over his head.  So the ball had to be in a good spot.  And if there’s a phrase I haven’t heard in the last decade of Giants football, it would be “Eli put that pass in a good spot”.  So it is an incomplete pass.  And on the very next play, Eli gets hit and fumbles.  Green Bay recovers and kicks a field goal to end the first half at 17-6.  Just a nauseating sequence.

McAdoo continues to try and call the offensive plays while trying to oversee everything as the head coach.  Don’t they have these coaching positions in football called “coordinators”?  Isn’t that a thing?  Why is this dunce still calling plays?   And it’s not like he’s calling good plays.  He apparently thinks Bobby Rainey is Marshall Faulk and Tiki Barber rolled up into one.  Is there one good reason why this fucking hump has as many catches each week as the WR corps?  And it seems like because he’s trying to call yet another dump off while simultaneously being in charge, he’s not adjusting anything.  Like nothing.  It’s what I feared when the Giants hired McAdoo.  You want Coughlin out?  Fine.  Great.  But to bring in the guy whose playcalling may have actually cost them games in 2015 as the new coach?  Just so Eli didn’t have to learn another system (and, buy the way, what fucking excuse is that?  The guy is a 12 year veteran and is allegedly smart.  The Giants are worried he can’t learn a new offense?).  McAdoo keeps the stench of Coughlin on the team, for better or for worse.  And then to keep Reese on top of that is just a slap in the face.  And now they reap what they sow with those decisions.

The defense has not been great either, although this was one of their better games.  And by “better games” I mean they didn’t lay a fucking hand on Aaron Rodgers all night.  This team has zero pass rush.  Vernon is nice against the run but has been awful even trying to get pressure.  Pierre-Paul is the same.  Spagnuolo wouldn’t know a blitz if it bit him in the ass.  This is a spot where your head coach could maybe try to interject a little bit and ask them to dial up something to get some pressure and take a little heat off their depleted secondary.  Hasn’t happened.  And they keeps running the same guys out almost every play.  The D is tired.  They look tired and they play tired.   It was the same old story on Sunday night, when the defense had to make a big stop on third down.  Third and ten to be exact.  The league wide conversion rate is about 15% for 3rd and 10.  And Green Bay picked it up with ease.  Wade falls down, Cobb catches a layup and Collins can only spear the shit out of him once he catches the ball.  Game over.

It’s getting tougher and tougher to watch the Giants.  Opposing defenses almost know what the play is before it happens.  Opposing offenses know they don’t need to keep extra guys in the thwart blitzing players.  They’re predictable and shitty.  It’s like a bad sitcom.  And that’s really the best thing you can say about the Giants right now….they’re the “Mike and Molly” of football teams.  The Ravens come into town this week.  Could be a 9-6 game.  Fucking VAMOS.

JUST ANOTHER GOLFER

06-18-15-tiger-toss

As someone who has never liked Tiger Woods, recent developments have me chuckling.  He’s a guy who’s always been a dick.  A dick to fans, a dick to his fellow golfers, a dick to the press, a dick to everyone.  Even though he was the best golfer on the planet for the better part of a decade, he still found time to be an asshole.  Trying to intimidate other players with bullshit like walking off a green before they could putt, taking the huge crowd with him to distract the guy.  He’s just a dick.

How times have changed.  It’s 2016, and Tiger hasn’t played in over a year.  He’s had several back surgeries (not sure if they’re the result of his golf swing or if he threw out his back banging a hostess at the Golden Corral in Murfreesboro, TN) and physically, he’s a shell of his former self.  And over the last few years he’s developed the yips in his chipping game.  Look at these gems…

tigerchip

tigerchip2

I can’t get enough of those.

Anyway, Tiger finally says “Hey I’m ready to play” and everyone in the golf world drops what they’re doing and rushes to Napa to see him perform.  But then Tiger, probably realizing he would hack it up, withdrew.  It sounds like he was afraid he’d look bad and his game isn’t sharp enough.  Hey asshole, why did you commit to the tournament?  People went out and bought plane tickets, hotel rooms.  Sponsors ponied up money.  And all because Tiger didn’t feel his game was good enough.  What a wuss.  What a drama queen.  I love his agent telling the press that Tiger “misses being in the locker room with the guys” like 100 times.  And then you hear golfers say “Tiger was never in the locker room.  He always went from his car to the course without talking to anyone”.

He always felt he was above everyone.   Now he’s beneath everyone because he’s a fucking hack.  Good riddance.

A FEW WORDS ON THE PUSSY GRABBER

debateexcitement

I get that Trump supporters feel he gets the short shrift from the press.  I tend to agree with that.  Hillary has shown that she can literally be bought.  Individuals, companies and even countries/governments make donations to her husband’s foundation and then she would take care of them.  She’s everything that sucks about politicians.  The absolute definition of “establishment”.

Having said that…..really?   This fucking guy?  Is he the least self-aware person in the history of the world?  Also, the big deal isn’t that he said the word “pussy”.  Hell, readers of the Gazette have seen that word many times written here.  It’s the fact that he says he can do all these gross things to women and get away with it because he’s a star.  Just gross.  And to say that it’s just “locker room talk” seems silly.  I’ve heard guys say some foul shit in my life, but I can’t recall any guy saying that he could get away with a little bit of sexual assault.  Now you have women accusing Trump of shitty things, and Trump is bringing out women to debates that Bill Clinton allegedly did shitty things to.  Also, Trump is a guy that has done nothing but show contempt for the working man his whole life…all his “developments” and golf courses and everything else are for the rich…he has a history of just not paying his labor force after they build yet another monstrosity with some fucking giant neon sign with his name on it….this fucking guy wants to present himself as the guy who’s going to look out for the working class?  Get fucking lost.  A guy who has been proven time and fucking time again (it’s almost a daily thing now) to be full of shit wants to be the leader of the free world?

And now, only now, are some Republican leaders realizing that maybe hitching their star on this douchebag might not be the best thing to do.  Let’s see.  I don’t know everything about Trump, but he’s been in the public eye for the better part of the last 35 years.  In that time, let’s see…..he was accused by the government of not renting apartments in his development to African Americans, he bought a full page ad calling for the Central Park Five to be executed.  To this day, he insists they are guilty even though their convictions were all overturned after there was pretty much rock solid evidence of their innocence….he brought his wife on a ski trip with his mistress….he’s said he doesn;t want “probably lazy” black accountants counting all of his money and “would rather have Jews handle that stuff”…..he’s sued several journalists who have written that he’s not as wealthy as he says (he’s lost every time)…he now wants to sue the New York Times for their story on the women he made unwanted advances on and the Times essentially told him to go fuck himself…he hosted a fucking game show on NBC and had to make the agonizing decision on whether to fire Gene Simmons or Debbie Gibson after their lemonade stand didn’t make as much money as the one Nipsey Russell and Gavin McLeod ran…he spearheaded a nonsensical campaign accusing Obama of being born in fucking Kenya…he started out his presidential campaign by calling Mexicans rapists, criminals and drug dealers….routinely yaps about CHINA taking all of our jobs, even though his (unsuccessful) clothing line manufactured all their shit in China….he called for a complete temporary ban on Muslim immigration, even though the party he allegedly represents always talks about how we should have our religious freedom….he insults soldiers who got captured in a war that he ran fucking right away from participating in….he insults the parents of a soldier who was killed in a war that he supported and then said he didn’t support…he insulted the looks of an opponent’s wife….he said he wants to lock up his political opponent in jail if he gets elected…he brags about being able to sexually harass and touch women because he’s a star.  He is the classic shithead who was born rich and started life on third base thinking that he’s hit a triple.  He has shown regard for no one in this world beside himself (and maybe his “piece of ass” daughter, as he says).  He has such a fundamental lack of respect for women and non-white people that would be laughable if it wasn’t so damn sad.  And THIS is the guy that wants to be the leader of the free fucking world?  This fucking guy?    I am gobsmacked.

Well that was more than a few words.  Apologies.

Someday we’ll all look back on the election of 2016 and laugh about it.  As for now, we still have another three and a half weeks to get through.  BRUTAL.

HOCKEY!

bladesofsteel

What always seems like the shortest offseason in sports is  over and the NHL has returned. The Poobah has ominous feelings about my beloved New York Rangers.  On the one hand, they made some interesting moves and called up some new guys and also Derick Brassard for Mika Zibanejad, who looks like a goddamn monster.  So they’ve gotten younger and fresher with their forwards group.  And they sent down team anchor Tanner Glass to Hartford, which allows them to play four strong, good, talented lines.  These are good things.  But they did nothing to improve their shitty ass defensive corps.  They are legitimately a bottom five defense in the NHL.  Girardi will continue to decline and suck and somehow get 20 minutes a game.  I love him, but he is so awful at this point it defies description.  So unless that gets fixed this team goes nowhere.  I can easily see them being 9-14-3 as we approach Christmas, Lundqvist bristling at reporters and Vigneault blaming everyone but himself for failure.  I could see AV getting canned.  I hope they can sneak into one of the wildcard spots and gracefully bow out in five games in the first round.

The game seems to be in good hands as there new stars developing.  Connor McDavid (last year’s number one pick) on Edmonton has to be seen to be believed.  He was hyped as the best prospect since Sidney Crosby (whose claim to fame is that Trump once grabbed him by the pussy) and he has been that.  Jack Eichel is tremendous in Buffalo, although he sprained his ankle badly in practice the other day.  And Auston Matthews, the top pick in this year’s draft only scored four goals in his first NHL game.  Outrageous.

For the Cup, I think it’s Tampa’s year.  They have no weaknesses top to bottom.  The Caps and Penguins will also be there all year long.  I like the Kings in the West, but given the probable major injury to Quick, maybe I’ll be very wrong on that.  Regardless, HOCKEY!

QUICK HITS

The whole controversy about lane closures at the GW Bridge refuses to go away.  Now they may really go after portly Cowboys fan Chris Christie.  The entire situation is so stupid.  It’s such a waste of taxpayer money.  But it’s also shone a light at how fucking petty and manipulative politicians can be.  This whole thing wouldn’t have been such a big deal if Christie and his henchmen weren’t so vindictive and shitty.   What asses.

Something Christie should be doing something about is NJ Transit.  Here at the Gazette we like to bitch and moan about the Long Island Rail Road, but that system is like a vacation compared to the fucking apocalyptic wasteland that is NJ Transit.  They’re billions in the hole, Christie killed a tunnel to Manhattan, their trains are barreling into stations and killing people.  Shitshow.  Do I like driving on the Cross Bronx every day instead?  Well, the jury’s out on that one.

NERDGASM ALERT….

OH BABY!  OOOOHHHHHHHH  BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw the Wells Fargo CEO decided to retire amidst all the uproar over how shitty his bank has been with the fake accounts and collecting millions in bullshit fees off of that.  Shocker.  Millions of customers bilked, thousands of employees fired, and this jerkoff will probably retire to some private island in the Bahamas.

Hey what’s with these baseball teams having champagne celebrations for every little series they win?  “Hey we just beat the Orioles in a one game Wild Card game!    We still have to win three more series before we’re champions!   Where’s the bubbly?”  They’re excited, I get it, but maybe save a little exuberance for when you actually win something?

Bob Dylan was awarded a Nobel Prize for Literature for “his impact on American songwriting”.  When asked for a comment, Dylan, Nobel Prize winner for Literature because he uses his words so pretty, sang something unintelligible.  Enjoy the veal!

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry,

I see more and more chihuahuas in my neighborhood lately.  I’m not sure if it’s an influx of Mexican immigrants coming in or what, but it’s noticeable.  Not sure what I can do to get all these rapist Mexican dogs out of here.  What are your views on Mexican immigration into this country?

Thanks,

Fido – Hicksville, NY

Fido, thanks for your letter.    There are definitely more chihuahuas out there.  But I don’t like them because they’re small and dickish.  You walk by and they bark and bark and then when you go to greet them, they run away like the gutless fucks that they are.  I would love to just pick one up and toss one like a killer whale tosses a seal.  As for the Mexican thing….go grab a taco and then tell me what’s so wrong about Mexicans.

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

spotify

A Higher Place – Tom Petty

Spirits – The Strumbellas

The Entertainer – Billy Joel

Madison Square – Lettuce

She Said She Said – The Beatles

Final Thought – Kamasi Washington

Smuggler’s Blues – Glenn Frey

In The Flesh? – Pink Floyd

Again – Alice In Chains

Respect – Aretha Frnaklin

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. Batman zlott  Still undefeated
  2. FC Aquaman  aquaman6  A rare stumble
  3. Huntress   deedee6   Good week, but not enough
  4. The Toxic Avenger  bolton Strong team getting stronger
  5. Green Lantern green-giant Could not stand tall enough
  6. Shazam shamwow  The wins haven’t dried up yet
  7. Darkseid maul Chopped down by Plastic Man
  8. Flash flash6 Zips out to a victory
  9. Apache Chief gandhi  Surprising win over Jorge
  10. Plastic Man double-impact_0  Finally a win
  11. Brainiac grape6 Team performed smartly in Week 5
  12. Spaceballs bolton Reeling after another loss
  13. Superman yikes3 Needs to get going here
  14. Catwomen catlady6 Still 0-fer the season

 

WEEK 6 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some lentils with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Plastic Man continues his winning ways

In a stunner, the commish somehow beats Jill

Provided a few moves are made, Danny shocks Chris

Mitchell over Aquaman 120-116

Batman finally falls

Brainiac over Superman

Darkseid cleans up on Spaceballs

 

LAST WEEK:   5-2

SEASON:        23-12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 5

Happy Friday to everyone and greetings from the home office in Rockville Centre.  The staff of the Gazette has the day off on Monday.  Literally the first time in the history of the Gazette that we’ve been off on Columbus Day.   So we’re extending the good times and working from home today as we prepare for the three day weekend.  Anyway. we’re four weeks into the Twin Cities season.  To the recaps…

WEEK 4 RECAPS

Green Lantern      116.86

Apache Chief          57.72

indian-crying

The Toxic Avenger        122.32

Catwomen                        78.32

Crabtree, Elliott and Thomas all have huge games and the avengers prevail in this Week 4 mattchup.  The commish saw his defense go from putting up 35 last week to a -2 this week.  He drops to an unexpected 0-4.

FC Aquaman             119.88

Plastic Man               104.10

It’s rare that you score 100 points and lose by 15, but that’s what happens in 2016 when teams play the undefeated Spaniard.  He continues to ride guys like Will Fuller (who?) and Matt Jones (who?) to weekly victories.  Mike still searches for that elusive first win.

Shazam       76.04

Flash            73.14

Danny finally changes his name and picks up a win.  Not a lot of standouts in this game, as the two teams were among the low scorers of the week.  Danny moves to 3-1 and Craig falls to 1-3.

Huntress      100.26

Superman    86.48

Jill’s team continues to score a lot and rack up victories.  Must be that clean Pennsylvania air.  AJ Green , Luck and Olsen all play well for the huntress.  It was Blake Brtles and not much else for Superman, who now falls to 1-3 in his title defense.

Batman          78.14

Spaceballs     42.26

Yet another ugly win for Kev’s squad, who remain undefeated.  Jose played Jordan Matthews and Zach Ertz on their bye weeks, and left Keenan Allen in his lineup, even though Allen currently can;t stand on his own and is out for the season.

Darkseid           102.10

Brainiac             65.24

Lots of guys played well for the dark side, who move to 3-1 and look like a real juggernaut this year.  A really tough week for Celo, who is now 1-3 and has a lot of low producing guys right now.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

AN EXPECTED SHITSHOW

vikingtackle

Is anyone surprised that the Giants looked like a high school team out there against the Vikings on Monday night?  All week, The Poobah had that feeling that the Giants would get mortified up there in Minnesota.  I actually thought they would be shut out.  So 10 points is 10 more than I thought they’d get.  But what a nightmare.  Fucking amateur hour.  Sloppy play.  Pathetic game plan.  Lack of adjustments.  Undisciplined penalties.  Inexcusable turnovers.  Giants football.

Once again, I can’t lie.  I watched hardly any of the game.  Maybe five plays from the first half.  When the second half started, I told Mrs. Poobah, “Let me see what the Giants do with the ball and then we’ll head up for bed”.  So I watched a drop by Beckham.   Then I watched a three yard run and a cloud of dust/rubber by Darkwa.  And then I watched Eli throw a back foot lob pass 40 yards down the field to fucking no one.  The Vikings picked it off, and before the play was even over the TV set was off and I was like….

jerry

I’m still not sure what’s going on with the passing game.  Not that I want Eli hucking deep balls all the time.  Not at all.  But is it wise to have a guy whose main weakness is throwing accurate short passes be told that all he should be doing is throwing short passes?  He threw one ball further than 15 yards on Monday.  ONE.  And that was easily run down and picked off by Rhodes on the Vikings.  Why the hell have they put this WR corps together if they’re all going to run four yard routes?  Paul Perkins led them in receiving yards.  Who the fuck is Paul Perkins?  Is that a joke?  I also really like when the Vikings would often get pressure on Eli and he would literally just throw the ball into the ground.  I don’t know if he has PTSD from getting hit so much over the last 12 years or what, but to see a guy like Eli just give up on a play is….different.  Watching this offense with a bunch of playmakers playing very boring and yet very scared football is disheartening.

How did the Giants go and “protect the Duke”, as their dipshit coach always says?  Not great.  Eli tossed that awful interception.  Harris also fumbled on the kick return, setting the Vikings up in Giants territory and effectively ending the game midway through the first quarter.  They are now minus fucking eight in the turnover battle for the season through only four games.  Brutal.

How about Jerry Reese’s bonanza on defense?  The Vikings average 50 yards a game running the ball.  Not surprisingly, they run for 115 yards on Monday.  Minnesota’s receivers haven’t done much this year.  They were open all night against a depleted secondary.  Bradford is susceptible to making mistakes when pressured.  The Giants didn’t really get to him all freaking night.  This unit has played four games and has produced four sacks (worst in the NFL) and has forced ZERO, I repeat, ZERO turnovers (also last in the NFL).  Add to that the anti-genius of Spagnuolo, who has been a failure everywhere else he has been when he doesn’t have Strahan, Osi and Tuck, and you have a defense that can’t get out of its own way right now.

We also can’t proceed here without talking about the great Odell Beckham Jr.  He is a generational talent.  He already might be the best wide receiver this team has ever had in its century of existence.  And yet everyone has figured out that if you get under his skin you can absolutely throw him off of his game.  Everyone has figured this out except Odell, of course.  He picks up another stupid penalty (which was fucking bullshit, as an aside) and costs his team 15 yards.  You gotta love the enthusiasm and the passion, but when your QB and GM appear to be tired of your bullshit, you should probably start to try and fix whatever your problems are, Odell.  Again, it’s part of the full package you get with him, but at this point it feels like teammates are babysitting him instead of focusing on the game at hand.  Grow up.  Having said all that, teams all over the league find ways to get the ball to their playmakers.  Beckham seems to be an afterthought in this Giants offense.  Get him the ball.  If he’s being doubled, run a reverse, run those dopey bubble screens that everyone else in the league runs so successfully.  Something.  You have to get your best players the ball.

As if America did not get its fill of shitty Giants football, the whole country gets to watch them go to Lambeau Field on Sunday night to play a rested Packers team.  Are The Poobah’s hopes high for a surprisingly good performance and a move to 3-2?  Not really.  I worry that Rodgers might throw for 700 yards.  But what can you do?  Pretty much just watch and root and get disappointed.  No matter.  VAMOS!

ONE MAN GANG

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Madison Bumgarner is not of this Earth.  He did it again on Wednesday night, this time to the Mets.  The Poobah really felt the Mets would take this one.  Big Thor was pitching, the game was in front of a raucous Citi Field crowd that just finished its Rosh Hashanah festivities, the whole shebang.  And Bumgarner goes goes out and spins yet another postseason complete game shutout.  He’s not human.  If you’re a Mets fan, you really can’t even be too upset.  Your team lost three big pitchers for the season and a fourth, in Wheeler, never even got started.  They couldn’t hit worth a damn for a good portion of the year.  And yet they made the playoffs.  And they lost to the greatest postseason pitcher I’ve ever seen.  What can you do?

All the baseball stat geeks always say that you can’t measure “clutch”.  That it’s not a thing.  After yet another outrageous October performance from Bumgarner, I think we can put that all to bed.  Here’s a guy who’s so dominant it gets into guys’ heads.  The Mets were swinging for the fences because they knew that Bumgarner is so good at not letting runners in scoring position score, who cares if they get to scoring position at all?  But OK, you want stats?  In his last 68 2/3 postseason innings….6 earned runs, 34 hits, 10 walks, 59 strikeouts.  Holy shit.  The lowest road ERA’s all time in the postseason looms like this…

Lefty Grove at 1.11, Sandy Fucking Koufax at 1.04, Mariano Rivera at 1.02, Bob Gibson at 0.97 and Bumgarner in first at 0.50.  The guys is an animal, plain and simple.

Also, I know folks shit on the idea of closers and saves and all that, but you can see why Mariano was so integral to the Yankees success.  Jeurys Familia has been great during the regular season with the Mets.  He’s closed tons of games.  But after he completely melted down and blew THREE separate games in the World Series last year, you had to be concerned.  I mean three different times in five games?  Historically terrible.  But then he came out and saved 51 games this year and looked automatic.  But again, in the high pressure of October, he loses it and the Mets go home.

But in the end, that game could still be going on and Bumgarner would still be shutting the Mets out.  King of October.  The Cubs have to be nervous.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry,

My owner is a die hard Mets fan.  After this loss, he’s been really pissed off.  He grumbles about the “fucking umps”, the “cheating Giants” and even a few “fuck the Yankees” once in a while.  He also is very short with me and yelling a lot.  What can I do to calm him down and get him to relax?

Thanks,

Spot – Port Washington, NY

Dear Spot, thanks for your letter.  I’ve always felt that sports is just not worth the aggravation and negativity it feeds to fans.  It leads to situations like yours.  You want to get his mind off of the Mets?  Wait until he goes to bed tonight.  Then sneak into the room at 2:30AM and just start fucking growling.  Thanks again.

Hey, don’t forget to check out my Instagram page!

https://www.instagram.com/iamharrythedog/

 

QUICK HITS

This hurricane looks like bad news.  People in Florida and Georgia and South Carolina evacuated and hopefully their lives aren’t disrupted too much.  It seems as if it wasn’t a direct hit but hundreds of thousands are without power.  Man, I was listening on the radio a few days ago and they were talking about what might happen when the hurricane was going to hit Haiti.  They were saying how people “who live in homes and huts made of grasses or sticks or clay” will have lots of problems.  What the fuck is this? We’re complaining in this county about what politicians are saying to each other like it’s life or death and there are people elsewhere living like the fucking three little pigs?  Holy shit, that was an eyeopener.  And it seems like over a hundred people  were killed in Haiti.  Man, that’s fucking terrible.

Has The Poobah ever been more wrong about something than I was about last week’s Ryder Cup?  It was the Americans who looked like a strong team.  It was the Americans who made all the big putts.  And it was the Europeans who bitched and moaned about everything afterwards.  Amazing.  Patrick Reed is your official new king of the Ryder Cup.  Guy made about 300 birdies last weekend and let everyone know it.  He was fun to watch.  The Poobah also felt bad for Lee Westwood as I too have missed two foot putts on consecutive holes.

A scintillating debate this week between the vice presidential candidates.  They spent time talking about important issues like ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

In another chapter from “The Poobah Fears Technology” book, I am not a fan of these voice controlled speakers.  Amazon has the Echo and Google released one this week.  I’m sure the likes of Apple and Samsung are not far behind.  I don’t know, it just strikes me as lazy.  Do we need a refrigerator that you speak to?  I don;t knw hiw I would react if I walked in the door and Mrs. Poobah is yelling “I NEED MORE EGGS AND MILK!” into the door of the fridge. We’re getting lazy.  We’re don’t know how to remember things anymore.  A phone number is now just pressing “Mom and Dad” instead of actively knowing anything.  Don’t get me wrong, all this stuff is certainly convenient and cool, I just don’t see the need to yell “PLAY THE BLACK CROWES ON SPOTIFY” at a speaker across the living room.  On the plus side, it frees everyone up to post more diatribes on either Trump or Clinton on Facebook.

A funny part of knowing folks in the marketing world is the intense, and I mean INTENSE amount of “navel gazing” that goes on.  You have guys who call themselves “futurists”, which sounds exotic, but it’s just another white guy in black glasses who gives his thoughts on what’s next.  Like the fucking weathermen of an ad agency.  The ad world always talks about the future world and “next gen” this and that and things like the frightening speakers I just discussed in the last paragraph.  But their main goal is to exploit those things to serve and send ads to people.  What bullshit.  Anyway, The Poobah wrote about the NFL’s ratings last week.  And this week, lo and behold, there are all sorts of articles about NFL ratings and why they might be down.  It gives an excuse for these twits to drone on about “cord cutters” and “how does football fit in the digital world”.  No one wrote articles about when ratings were astronomical.  Now all these guys try to come out and justify their existence.  GET LOST.

What is this fucking clown shit that’s going on?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Let me tell you something…I see a guy in a clown mask chasing kids and trying to be scary I am running that guy down in the Poobahmobile.  And then backing over him to make sure he’s dead.  Get fucking lost with that crap.

 

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

spotify

Running On Faith – Eric Clapton

Red House – Jimi Hendrix

Run Right Back – Moon Taxi

Bad, Bad Leroy Brown – Jim Croce

Hey Na Na – Galactic

Wicked As It Seems – Keith Richards

Gold On The Ceiling – Black Keys

Yesterday – The Beatles

My Back Pages – The Byrds

Ain’t Nothing Wrong With That – Marcus King Band

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. FC Aquaman diving5 Still perfectly clean at 4-0
  2. Huntress mccallscar  Still cruising and looking like a strong contender
  3. Darkseid count_dooku Same for these guys….good squad
  4. Green Lantern mrgreen Chris is always in the mix
  5. Batman zowie Undefeated, but we’re not sold on them yet
  6. The Toxic Avenger bolton Very up and down team
  7. Shazam shazam In good shape right now
  8. Flash old-sprinter5 Been beaten off the blocks two straight weeks
  9. Apache Chief greatigeri Blah
  10. Superman superman5 Has to get back on track
  11. Plastic Man vandamme5 He’ll turn it around at some point, right?
  12. Brainiac simple-jack-from-tropic-thunde Making opponents look smart right now
  13. Spaceballs bolton  Another rough week
  14. Catwomen catlady5 Has to get out of the basement

 

WEEK 5 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some slow roasted pork with some rice and black beans with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Daddy takes another loss

Commish drops to a stunning 0-5

Green Lantern continues their winning ways

Tom Brady returns (BOO) and leads Flash to an upset victory

Batman has another win where his opponent scores less than 60 points

Brainiac beats Spaceballs by a score of 16-13

Plastic Man finally gets a W

 

LAST WEEK:  5-2

SEASON:        18-10

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 4

Happy Friday to all from a damp and soggy central New Jersey.  Just a series of gray days out here.  We are now three weeks into the 2016 Twin Cities season.  Some teams are already in great shape, while other already have a lot of work to do.  How is everyone after three weeks?  To the recaps…

WEEK 3 RECAPS

Apache Chief      111.40

Catwomen           107.06

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FC Aquaman               107.14

Green Lantern            82.20

Brees, Johnson and Nelson lead the charge for Jorge and he stays unbeaten at 3-0.  A lame Julio Jones and a bag of shit Giants defense hold Chris down as he drops to 1-2.

The Toxic Avenger     117.88

Flash                                70.94

Just an ass whooping by Mitchell’s squad.  Six different players in double figures for the Avengers while Flash only had two.  Both teams are muddling about at 1-2.

Dungeons & Dragons    79.56

Superman                         51.46

What a rough game this was.  Danny got a combined 5.8 points from his running backs and yet he romps to a nearly 30 point victory.  Our defending champ has some work to do to turn around the fortunes of Superman.

Huntress           104.64

Spaceballs        61.92

Jill puts the hurt on Spaceballs with some big days by Terrelle Pryor? and the Vikings defense and she romps.  Memo to Jose…Keenan Allen is out for the season.  It is safe to remove him from the starting lineup.

Batman           84.88

Darkseid         69.88

Demarco Murray leads the way as Kev remains undefeated.  After last year, when every team seemed to score 200 against poor Batman, this year they’ve had some good fortune in opposing scoring.  Darkseid has an off week and drops to 2-1.

Brainiac             108.74

Plastic Man      62.68

Celo’s team explodes into triple digits and he wins his first game of the season.   And that’s with Emmanuel Sanders’ 24 points rotting on the bench.  Another tough week for Plastic Man, who is now mired at 0-3.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

ANOTHER HUGE STEP

Dashaun Phillips, Sterling Shepard

 

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but the Giants are actually turning the corner.  After a year where we saw them just throw up all over themselves late in games and give wins away, they seem to somehow be good at these close contests this year.  I mean, I don’t know how they were losing 29-27 with two minutes left in the game in the first place, but they had the ball.  Eli, with his 35 fourth quarter or OT game winning drives was leading the charge.  He hit Cruz for a nice gain, and now here he hits him again and they’re across midfield already.  Oh wait, there’s a dopey penalty on Beckham.  No matter, Eli will just drop back here and find somebody open and Josh Brown will be able to k…

THE SAME OLD SHIT

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Ah.  THERE are the Giants we know and love.  The classic “here’s a game that they have absolutely no right losing and yet…here we are” type of game that has become the team’s calling card in the last few years.  Just one self inflicted wound after another and it leads up to an absolutely fucking inexcusable loss to the Redskins.  Gross.

How bad was Eli in this game?  His numbers sounded like they were decent when I saw the box score, but he was fucking pathetic.  All day, and I mean ALL FUCKING DAY, his receivers were glaringly open.  No one could put a hand on Odell.  He was by himself more than once downfield.  Shepard was running great routes and was proving to be all the secondary could handle.  And Cruz was creating some havoc in the slot.  These three guys are nasty good.  And yet here’s Eli looking them off and dumping balls to fucking Will Tye, or Bobby Rainey or Shane Vereen, who was treating the ball like it had fucking herpes on it or something.  I know McAdoo likes the short passes, but then why the fuck are they drafting receivers then?  Guys who can get open down the field?  And you’re going to throw the ball to fucking Tye?  Who if you don’t hit between the fucking numbers, is not catching the ball?  Eli is a two time Super Bowl MVP, a 13 year veteran of this league.  And yet the guy still looks like he’s a fucking child playing with men sometimes.  A brutal game for him.

How many crushing penalties were there on Sunday?  So many painful ones.  And that is on the coach.  He preached about penalties last week and about “taking care of The Duke”, as he says.  You see, because the ball is nicknamed The Duke, which was named after the late, great Wellington Mara.  Let’s hope this fucking guy can worry more about some solutions for his team here instead of trying to come up with catchphrases.

How about those legendary Giants special teams!    Tom Quinn, ladies and gentlemen!   As always, no fucking accountability for this hump.   This game for him was like the equivalent of a NYC weather forecaster saying the weather looks just fine and then we get hit with Hurricane Sandy.  No accountability.  Let’s see, how did this unit fuck up Sunday?

  • Josh Brown with a kickoff out of bounds, giving the Redskins the ball on the 40 yard line.  A few plays later, an easy field goal.
  • Giving up a 50+ yard return after poor tackling from Apple and poor positioning and effort from the rest of the “special” team
  • Facing a desperate team, the Giants apparently didn’t even comprehend the idea of a fake punt.  As a result, the Redskins punter throws an absolute fucking duck and it still didn’t matter as it fluttered harmlessly into the arms of some shithead on the Skins.  Very nice.  More points on the board for Washington.
  • Hey the Giants blocked a punt!!!    Here we g…..nope.  Another senseless fucking penalty and a re-kick.  Instead of starting in the red zone, they start at their own 25 yard line.

Fucking awful.

Another in a long line of questions….how do the Giants continue to let Desean Jackson beat them?  It doesn’t matter what they do, he always, ALWAYS finds a way to beat them.  And he’s just so tough to take as a human being.  I cannot stand Jackson.  There’s still another game against the Redskins this season.  Maybe they can form some sort of game planning around him.  Just a little bit.

And the defense did not look great at all on Sunday.  The Redskins looked pretty awful those first two games and they waltzed in and appeared to go up and down the field all day long.  Now, the defense must be commended for doing the whole “bend but not break” thing for the first quarter and a half.  But after that?  Not great.  And they continue to, like last year, just not put a lot of pressure on the quarterback.

Now we get to watch the Giants walk into a fucking buzzsaw in Minnesota next Monday night.  How good did the Vikings look as they dismantled the Panthers last week?  They made that offense look like straight garbage, on the road, in a crazy atmosphere.  How in the hell will the Giants deal with a prime time game in a brand new stadium?  I don’t care if Bridgewater is out, I don’t care if Peterson is out.  This has potential to be ugly.  Like Eli getting shelled all night as he hucks up shitty throws all night ugly.  I have no backing for this, but I think Eli has played terrible against the Vikings in his career.  I distinctly remember going to a game where Eli threw something like three separate INT’s that were returned for TD’s.  They seem to be his kryptonite.  So my hopes are not sky high.  This could be a mess.

That’s why this loss was so huge.  It changes the whole complexion of the season to one of  pleasant surprise to one of the usual resignation.  I hope they can turn it around and get themselves going again.  The schedule is really rough moving forward, but who knows.  The Giants have surprised us all before.  VAMOS!!!!!

LONG LIVE THE KING

arnoldpalmeranchor

The guy who invented the lemonade/iced tea drink died last weekend.  In all seriousness, a huge loss.  The Poobah has some connections in the golf world and let’s just say almost everyone has a story about Arnold Palmer.  And virtually every single recollection I’ve heard ends with “and he made me feel like the only other person in the room”.  By all accounts, Arnold was a guy who never forgot where he came from, always treated fans with respect and gave all sorts of his time to them.Truly a remarkable guy.

He was also one of the last throwbacks to a different era.  All week, I’ve seen the pictures of Arnie in black and with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth.  Other ones show him laughing and winking at someone with a thumbs up, like the picture above.  Just a classic guy.  Even listening to radio and TV this week was borderline hilarious.  People were calling in with recollections of Arnie shooting a guy a thumbs up and winking at his wife.  I kept waiting for someone to call in and say “I’ll never forget it.  We were at the 1963 Western Open.  Arnie came up to our hotel room and plowed my wife while I sat on the loveseat with my head in my hands.  What a gentleman!”

It’s always a loss when a guy as beloved as Arnie passes.  A guy who always found time for anybody, whether it was a TV cameraman, or a golf course worker watering the 11th hole or a guy at the car rental counter.  It sounds like he was just so generous and used his fame for good.  Love live the king.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

twodopes

Hey that was fun, right?  That was like watching your aunt and uncle argue about who threw the garbage out last week.  She’s trying to make points and he’s just talking all over her.  He tries to make points and she just laughs him off.  Unwatchable.  What I learned in the limited time that I watched is that you should vote for Hillary because she’s not Trump and you should vote for Trump because he’s not Hillary.  It’s tough to believe anything either one of them says, as Hillary is always trying to look out for herself and/or is trying to cover up something and Trump is just prodigiously full of shit.  I cannot believe there are a few more of these and that we’re still like six weeks away from the fucking election.  It’s always exciting when we’re going to elect a new president, but this is just garbage.

I’m not endorsing anyone here, but all I can say is that I put nothing past Hillary.  NOTHING.  Would it shock me to find out a Trump staffer mysteriously gets killed?  No.  On the flip side,  I cannot find literally one scenario where it would be remotely acceptable to have this huckster with bad hair and a worse personality become President of the United States.  This is bad.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry,

When I’m out and about, I can’t help but notice the gap between rich dogs and poor dogs.  I see the dogs from the nice part of town and their owners dress them in coats and put little booties on them so their precious paws don’t get dirty or wet.  Meanwhile, the not as fortunate dogs are lucky to even get out for walks and are forced to sleep in shitty conditions.  It really upsets me.  What can be done about the economic inequality that exists out there?

Sincerely,

Buzz – Valley Stream

Thanks for your note, Buzz.  It is a nutty world we live in.  Is there a way we can meaningfully contribute to bringing about some justice for these dogs?  I find that grabbing someone’s spare sock and eating half of it sometimes helps.

QUICK HITS

What a shame about Jose Fernandez.  Young, heading into the prime of his career, a Cuban playing in Miami, just a great life story all around.  Having that life cut short is like the Thurman Munson for this generation of baseball fans.  Such a sad thing.  The guy could’ve been the face of baseball for years to come, and he played like a kid who loved playing baseball.  And David Ortiz still lives.  Life’s not fair.

Always a fun weekend as the US and Europe play for the Ryder Cup.  America was so thoroughly dominated last time that they had to set up a “task force” to figure out what was wrong and how they could fix it.  Simple answer is the coaches couldn’t get out of their own way and the players choked.  US is heavily favored here, but give me the Euros to win it once more.  They play well as a team and honestly, they seem to enjoy themselves during the Ryder Cup.  I almost root for them as they’re a likable bunch, while the Americans seem like a bunch of uptight dorks who have been told by the task force not to interact with fans.  Actual words from captain Davis Love III, who has gone through life living up to that stick up the ass name of his.  Jerkoff.

With all this moaning and groaning about the two party system and how we never have any other choices for President, this Gary Johnson guy seems like he’s fucking retarded.  “Hey Gary, name one foreign leader you admire”.   Ummmmmmmmm….not sure.  Yeah, there’s a viable alternative candidate.  Get lost, bozo.

Such a tragedy in Hoboken yesterday.  What a mess.  Looking forward to the Chris Christie led “Tougher Than The Train” commercials that will undoubtedly hit the air soon.

The results are in for the first three weeks of the NFL season and television ratings are way down.  Like double digits down from last year.  Has the league finally scheduled too many damn nights for games?  Have viewers finally gotten sick and tired of all the concussion/brain injury issues that plague football?  Do people just hate Goodell and the top brass that much?  Does it hurt that NFL poster boys Manning and Brady are retired and suspended?  Is it the fact that the RedZone Channel, the greatest channel ever devised, makes the task of watching a regular game seem unbearable in comparison?  I’d probably “yes” to all of those.  Gotta admit, happy that’s not The Poobah’s problem.

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

spotify

Join Together – The Who

Vaporize – Amos Lee

Man On The Corner – Genesis

Good To Be Alive Today – Michael Franti & Spearhead

Can’t Rock My Dream Face – Umphrey’s McGee

Rock With You – Michael Jackson

Hot Legs – Rod Stewart

Tender Is The Night – Jackson Browne

Story Of My Life – Social Distortion

Shine – Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. FC Aquaman diving4 Jorge gracefully enters 3-0 waters
  2. Huntress deedeeweek4 No one gets the jump on Jill
  3. Batman thwack Another beating from the dark knight
  4. Darkseid vader4 Still just fine at 2-1
  5. Dungeons & Dragons bolton
  6. Green Lantern lorne Chris hanging right in there
  7. Apache Chief st_johns_redmen Needs a rain dance this week
  8. The Toxic Avenger bolton
  9. Flash flashweek4 Outpaced last week
  10. Superman supermanweek-4 Man of Steel struggling early
  11. Spaceballs bolton
  12. Brainiac billy-bob-thornton-sling-blade A win tastes like mashed taters
  13. Catwomen CONFESSIONS:ANIMAL HOARDERS Another lonely winless week
  14. Plastic Man vandamme4 Again, can’t stretch to a win

 

WEEK 4 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some of Maggie’s amazing chocolate peanut butter cupcakes with Maggie and Conor last night the following picks were made:

Daddy only scores 65 and is crushed by the Green Lantern

Catwomen wins their first

Aquaman keeps swimming

In a barnburner, the Flash edges D&D

Jill keeps storming her way through the season

Batman stays unbeaten in an ugly game

Darkseid rolls

 

LAST WEEK :   5-2

SEASON:          13-8

 

 

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VOLUME 15, ISSUE 3

Happy Friday to all and greetings from a hot as balls New Jersey.  The calendar tells me it’s late September, but my body tells me it’s still summer.  Let’s just say I may be singlehandedly keeping the makers of Gold Bond financially afloat.  To the recaps…

WEEK 2 RECAPS

Flash                         110.90

Apache Chief          78.70

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FC Aquaman             114.02

Catwomen                 79.66

A well balanced attack from the Aquamen, who had seven different positions scoring in double figures.  The commish continues to struggle without Leveon Bell.  One more week, Terranova, and you’ll recover nicely.  Or maybe not even a week as you’re playing my loser squad this week.

Green Lantern        98.32

Plastic Man              82.56

Chris continues his winning ways in Week 2 as Gordon, Jones, Rodgers and the Giants defense (more on that below) pace the lanterns.  Mike’s team really struggled this week and it looks like he needs to shore up the WR position.  He drops to 0-2.

Superman                     97.26

The Toxic Avenger     86.66

Our defending champion gets back on track, and he rides Bortles and Murray to victory.  You know it was a rough game when the two kickers were among the highest scoring players for either team.   Mitchell is still winless as he prepares for his motorcycle ride.

Dungeons & Dragons     104.62

Spaceballs                           97.26

A Prince brother shootout sees Danny edge out Jose.  Matt Forte got the spaceballs out to an enormous lead, but Dan’s team continually edged its way back into it, and Matthews and Jeffery score enough on Monday night to clinch it.  Both brothers are now 1-1.

Darkseid                91.12

Huntress               86.28   

Cam Newton shines for the dark side and Jimmy remains unbeaten.  Jill needed just a few more points from Eddie Lacy on Sunday night, but he could only come up with five points.  Not enough.  The question for Jill is where does she get RB points from once Bell is back for the Steelers?  Regardless, both these teams will be in the mix all season long.

Batman                  87.62

Brainiac                 66.94

Corey Coleman puts up 22 points for Kev and pushes him to 2-0.  THUMBS UP.  Coleman then breaks his hand in practice this week and is out indefinitely.  And Adrian Peterson looks to be done for the year.  THUMBS DOWN.  Celo is 0-2 and eagerly awaiting Odell Beckham Jr’s return to the end zone.

 

THE POOBAH SPEAKS

SAME OLD SHIT

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How many times do we have to see this routine?  The Giants dominate a game and yet stand tied with the opponent in the fourth quarter.  Eli is throwing for over 300 yards already and yet the Giants can’t get in the freaking end zone.  They can’t convert short yardage situations.  They continually turn the ball over.  They can’t get to the opposing quarterback.  And here they go about to give the ball back to the fucking Saints with a minute and change to go.  JESUS CH….

THEY WIN AGAIN!    THEY WIN AGAIN!

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What the hell is going on here?  Are dogs and cats living together?   Did the Giants just win another close game?  It happened!   It happened!

The Giants looked like the same old Giants at several different times during this game.  You had a bad fumble by Vereen, you had a crushing fumble by Cruz after a long pass play.  You had Eli with a fumble (and by the way, didn’t that look to be a bullshit call?) that gave the ball to the Saints for a third time.  You had Brown missing a long field goal.  You had the offense failing to come away with any points from a first and ten at the Saints 11 yard line.  You had the Giants get stymied for two straight plays from the one yard line (and two shitty pass plays….what the hell is it with the Giants that they always call these godawful pass plays  around the goal line?  Eli takes a few steps and is somehow unsettled and almost scrambling, no one runs a good route, and they never convert.  How can every NFL team have these nice little quick passes in short yardage and the Giants look like a high school team at its first practice?   But I digress…) and they have to settle for a field goal.  You even had Odell dropping a sure touchdown on the first play after the two minute warning.

But then Eli throws up the usual “Oh Eli” ball that Cruz is able to battle for and catch and the two yard line.  And then McAdoo does what Giants fans thought was unthinkable after last year….he bled the clock down and Josh Brown kicked the winning field goal as time expired.  Coughlin may or may not have called for four unsuccessful fades the right corner of the end zone.  And they win.

The defense was tremendous.  Remember, this is the Saints team that scored over 200 points and gained over 1100 yards (those are estimated numbers) in their win over the Giants last season.  And for the most part, the Giants kept the Saints in check.  The secondary played especially well.  They still need to get to the QB, but you have to think that will start to happen at some point.  As long as they can cover like they are.  Rodgers-Cromartie has been awesome these first two weeks, Jenkins has been a playmaker, Collins looks like the guy the Giants traded up to pick last year.  Reese’s spending spree has been proven right, at least for two weeks.  Snacks and Vernon have created havoc so far.

With that big blocked field goal returned for a touchdown, is there any doubt Tom Quinn gets a ten year extension?  Man, what a play though.  Any time you have some special teams excitement, which comes much less often than it should with the Giants, that’s a game changer.

So for all their warts and self-inflicted wounds, the friggin Giants are TWO AND OH.  Did The Poobah expect a 2-0 start to the season?  Hell no.  I would’ve been happy with just one win.  But to get through these opening two weeks without a loss seems like a gift.  And now they have a real chance throw some dirt on the Redskins this Sunday.  Could you imagine them being three games up on the Skins before October even hits?  The Cowboys are still banged up with injuries and suspensions.  The Eagles look like they’re in fine shape though.  Assholes.  But the NFC East looks to be in play all season for every team.  Every divisional win is so huge and it’s great that the Giants already have one of those in the bag.  Sunday’s game is massive, as there are three straight games you could envision being losses coming up (at the Vikings on next Monday, at the Packers the next Sunday night and then home to the Ravens).  Does The Poobah know what kind of team this is yet?  Not really.  They’ve won two games and their offense hasn’t really looked like it’s even firing on all cylinders just yet.  The defense looks good, but who knows if that can last?  We shall see.  But they’re 2-0.  They haven’t had that record in quite a while.  And a chance to create some separation this weekend.  VAMOS!

WORST TERRORIST EVER?

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Well we certainly had some excitement in the city over the weekend, huh?  Some nut plans to set off bombs, kill infidels and then go out in a blaze of glory and it all goes for naught. What a fucking moron.  I mean, really?  A pressure cooker that injures some people (no one that serious, thank God), some bombs left in Seaside Heights and Elizabeth, NJ and that’s it?  And then they find this jackoff sleeping in the doorway of a restaurant?  Good God, you’ve got to do better than that, pal.  No virgins waiting for you in the afterlife.

The best part of this whole thing?  Life goes on down in Chelsea like nothing ever fucking happened.  People are on the news walking their dogs and going to brunch on Sunday morning, shortly after the bomb went off.  Pretty funny how it seems like the level of outrage and terror caused by these things is directly in a reverse proportion to how far you live from the incident.  People in Manhattan say things like “I’m glad everyone is OK.  I’m not moving though…you have to live your life”.  People in the suburban areas outside the city say things like “Thank God everyone is all right.   I feel a little weird going to work on Monday though”.  And people a thousand miles away are like “IMMIGRATION!!!!!   MUSLIMS!!!!   ARRRR!!!!!”.   Good stuff.  Very fortunate that the incident was just a total swing and a miss by this guy.  Dope.

GREETINGS FROM CHARLOTTE

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Ah, the crisp autumn breezes getting ready to blow.  The gentle….WAIT, IS THAT TEAR GAS?  More killing and more rioting, this time in Charlotte.  This on the heels of another killing in Tulsa late last week.  What an absolute mess.  I can’t pretend to really know what’s going on here, but boy it would be nice if we had a week where there wasn’t any questionable shootings and then riots.  You have black people walking around down there saying “all white people are the devil” and white people walking around down there more upset that the windows to the NASCAR museum were broken than about the whole killing thing.  Lots of anger out there.  Lots of anger.  I have no idea what riots do for anyone’s cause.  Don’t get me wrong, I get it.  A lot of people feel like the same shit keeps happening and they lose it.   Going out and breaking shit seems really stupid though.  Not as stupid as, say, a guy in Oklahoma calling the cops for help with a broken down vehicle and winding up dead, but stupid nonetheless.  Let’s all keep on with what’s important here and keep vilifying Colin Kaepernick.

DEAR HARRY

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Dear Harry, with the start of the new school year, my owners have the usual worries about giving their kids every opportunity to succeed.  While I agree with this, I worry that they’re overdoing it and pushing these young kids too much.  Any ideas how I can sit and talk to them about this?

Thanks,

Cleo – Plainview, NY

Dear Cleo, thanks for your note.  In this age of parents being much more involved in every facet of their kids’ lives, there needs to be a fine balance struck between helping your kids and stepping back and letting them figure things out for themselves.  I find that if you go and gnaw on the leg of your dining room table, that will spur them to think about this.

QUICK HITS

Nice to see the scumbag CEO of Wells Fargo get called out on the carpet this week.   After reading about how whistleblowers at the company were magically fired within a week, you just want to see some fucking blood.  Wish he was starring in a remake of “Trading Places”.  But you know how this ends.   Maybe he quits, but he certainly gets a nine figure package.  Fucking bullshit.

Man, the fucking Patriots are going to go undefeated this year, aren’t they?  Dammit. Belichick is so fucking good it upsets me.

This Sanchez kid on the Yankees is pretty good.  When riding around in the Poobahmobile, I’ll listen to the news stations in the mornings, and Sanchez apparently has 19 homers in like 45 games?  Jesus.  John Sterling’s radio calls are especially disgusting…guy sounds like he’s actively ejaculating as he bellows “GARY!   IS SCARY!”.  Yankee Baseball!

Speaking of disgusting, how about Anthony Weiner, everybody!   The latest on this turd is that he was texting (wait, the kids call it sexting) a 15 year old girl?  Sending her photos?  This doing the same to some other woman while he was laying in his bed with his son?  Enough of this fucking douchebag already.  Just go away, Weiner.

Nice week for our local governors.  We find out that close advisors of Andrew Cuomo are being charged with all the usual politician bullshit of corruption and the like.  Over in Jersey, Chris Christie’s folks are being shown that they care more about fucking traffic headaches for political rivals than governing.  Strong week.

Looking forward to the presidential debate Monday night at Hofstra.  Actually, that’s false.  You couldn’t pay me to watch that garbage.  I’ve been saying for months that Trump will call Clinton a bitch or worse, just to see if he can get a rise out of her.  We’ll see.

You know, overlooked in this week’s news about killings and rioting is the real tragedy.  There was another celebrity divorce in Hollywood this week as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are no more.  I heard irate “Us” magazine readers overturned a display of pumpkins and gourds at a Whole Foods in Beverly Hills.   Thoughts and prayers to all those affected.

It appears that we have finally hit that breaking point we always feared….TV executives are officially out of ideas.  Is there any reason on God’s green earth CBS has for doing a remake of MacGyver?   In this day and age of great TV, as the critics say, the four networks continue to churn out one shit sandwich after another and attempt to pass it off on you the viewer.  MacGyver.  Man.  Great show in 1984, but really?  I also hear they’re looking to produce a sequel TV show to “Magnum, PI”?   Are you kidding me.  That’s like drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa.  Looking forward to ABC capitalizing on the success of USA’s “Mr. Robot” by reviving “Small Wonder” in 2017.

The great Vin Scully finishes his incomparable 67 year career this Sunday as he calls the Dodgers-Giants.  Sixty seven years calling baseball games.  What a voice.  I hear the Gazette is feverishly trying to get Scully to contribute his voice to the weekly recaps.  We’ll see how that goes.

SONGS FROM THE POOBAH’S SPOTIFY

spotify

Estranged – Guns N’ Roses

No Good – Kaleo

Never Gonna Change – Drive-By Truckers

Dancing Machine – The Jackson Five

Cult Of Personality – Living Colour

All We Ever Knew – The Head & The Heart

Arleen – Widespread Panic

One More Night – Michael Kiwanuka

Honky Tonk Women – Rolling Stones

Come Alive – The Hip Abduction

 

POWER RANKINGS

  1. Darkseid  emperor  Feel the hate for his team flow within you!
  2. FC Aquaman  aquaman2 Jorge in his usual position
  3. Green Lantern joe-greene1 Chris quenching his thirst for victory
  4. Huntress deedee2 Darkseid got the jump on Jill in Week 2
  5. Batman kapow  Kev still unbeaten
  6. Flash flash3 Cruises to an easy win
  7. Dungeons & Dragons bolton
  8. Superman superman3 Takes off for his first win
  9. Spaceballs bolton
  10. Apache Chief  it-worker Sending out a call for help
  11. Plastic Man  van-damme-splits Once again, couldn’t stretch all the way
  12. The Toxic Avenger bolton
  13. Catwomen  catwoman3  Commish needs some help at 0-2
  14. Brainiac i-am-sam Still trying to figure it out

 

WEEK 3 AT A GLANCE

carnac

While splitting some burgers and dogs with Maggie and Conor last night, the following picks were made:

Daddy squeaks by Catwomen by three points

Jorge with an improbable win to go to 3-0

Flash!!!!   Ah-Ahhhhh-Ah!!!!!   Flash!!!!

Danny prevails over the supermen

Huntress gets back on track

In the game of the week, Darkseid remains unbeaten

Celo wins a game

 

LAST WEEK:   6-1

SEASON:         8-6

 

 

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